The New Skills for Parenting Teen Girls

Unless you have been (unfortunately) in a coma the last decade, you are aware that there have been huge changes in technology and cultural standards. These changes affect teen girls in ways that many parents do not understand.  The changes make parenting with the “old skills” obsolete.

Parents need to know the new skills for raising healthy, happy, and successful teen girls. They also need to hone the old skills:  listening, and expressing true love and concern.  Our daughters need them more than ever.

1. UNDERSTAND THE TEENAGE BRAIN.

Neuroscience research has revealed the differences between teenage brains and adults brains.

Knowing even a little bit about your daughter’s brain, i.e., what you can do to help her brain grow (and heal)  can have a tremendous difference in how her life turns out.*

2. BE INVOLVED

Your daughter needs your attention and time just as much, or maybe even more, than when she was a little girl. You need to know who she is becoming, what she is doing, who her friends are. Etc. Don’t hover but don’t ignore her either.

3. LEARN THE FOUR L’s

Effective parenting starts with knowing the four L’s. Look, listen, learn and Love.   First, you have to take a look at your daughters behavior. Next, listen to what she really wants you to know underneath her actions and words. You then have to learn what she needs or wants.  Show her you love her by helping take care of her needs and wants.

4. ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE.

John Lennon was onto a profound truth when he wrote the song, All You Need Is Love.  Let your daughter know you love her.  Don’t hold back on hugs, except maybe in front of her friends. Research shows that expressing love can help your daughter grow up into a happier, healthier woman.

5. TEACH BY EXAMPLE

Be a role model . Teens have a hair trigger hypocrite/BS meter. Walk your talk.

6. DO YOUR OWN HEALING WORK

Every parent carries around old wounds. Those wound cloud the way they interact with others, including their children. One of the best gifts you can give your children is to deal with your emotional baggage so it stops spilling out everywhere. There are no perfect parents and we all carry some degree of wounds with us, no matter how much we work on them. But the point is: work on them!

7. SET  FAIR LIMITS AND RULES

Don’t  arbitrarily set rules. Ask your daughter for her input. Most importantly, understand what drives you to make a rule in the first place. If you want an early curfew for your daughter, talk about what your fears are about her staying up late rather than simply focusing on the time factor. Be truthful about what you feel in the process of setting rules and limits. Ask your daughter for her truth.

8. ENCOURAGE AUTONOMY

The teen years are the time for children to begin finding out who they really are. They will try on lots of things! That’s normal. And in today’s world, with Virtual Social Networks such as MySpace and Facebook, teens have an audience to “perform” to in order to get feedback about who they are becoming. Encourage your child to explore who they are and want to be. Don’t force your expectations of who you think your daughter should be. Its’ her life! Step back. Let her explore. If your life isn’t satisfying, it can be easy to turn to your daughter for emotional needs that she can’t fill. Lear to let go, let her have her life, and you shore up your own.

9. KEEP UP!

Today’s world is changing faster than ever. As a mom, you need to know some of the new things. For example, if your daughter came to you in tears because her friend keeps untagging the pictures she posted, would you know what she meant, why she is upset and what to tell her? Teens are forming relationships in ways our generation never dreamed of, and the social interactions are amazingly different. Learn the new technology. Check out the Virtual Social Networks. Keep an ear out for the newest on Youtube,  etc. Learn how to text. Stay as up to date as you possibly can.

10. TRUST

Your daughter is going to make mistakes. Help her learn from them instead of shaming, blaming or punishing. Don’t break into her Facebook, emails, text messages or private journals. Buff up your listening skills. Become someone she trusts enough to tell you who she really is.

11. CREATE A FAMILY MISSION/VISION STATEMENT

What does your family value? What does your family stand for? Write a mission/vision statement and refer to it often. Ask your daughter for input. See what she values and wants your family to be about!

12. PLAY!

“Play is the new Global Warming” announced a recently published article. Play has been taken out of our culture, and that’s not a good thing. Find ways to be silly, spontaneous and playful with your daughter. Make sure she has fun things to play with such as a myriad of art supplies. Find ways to bring back play into your lives and homes.

13. LEARN TO LISTEN TO HARD TRUTHS

Your daughter may do things you disapprove of. Some parents take the ostrich approach and put their heads in the sands. That isn’t helpful. Learning to be someone your daughter can turn to, trust and know that you will always be there for her, will help her as she grows up. This means you must control your anger, disappointment, judgment etc. Learning to ask Strategic Questions, can help you become someone who can hear hard truths.

Today more than ever, your daughter needs to know you are there for her. She is growing up in a world vastly different than the one you grew up in. Learn to listen. Learn to open your heart to your daughter. Let her unfold and find her way, as you gently help her when she makes a miss step. Time doesn’t go backwards. Like it or not, the new world order of things is here and parents need to understand it, and deal with it in ways that does not alienate their daughters.

If you want more information on how to accomplish any of these parenting rules, email me at jennifer@drjennforgirls.com

The Invitation

One early morning, deep into the chill of autumn, I rushed to my mailbox to mail my bills before heading to work. The red flag on the side of the box was standing tall. ”How odd,” I thought. I had quit using the flag since I had moved into suburbia where it wasn’t needed.  I pulled open the little silver door. Inside the mailbox was a white envelope. I took it out, put my bills in its place and closed the door. The envelope had my name on it, written in the most elegant handwriting I had ever seen. Curious, I tore it open. Inside was a beautiful invitation. It read, “You are cordially invited to attend the greatest event ever. No need to R.S.V.P. Simply show up.” At the bottom of the invitation, it read, “Look for the gifts.”

Puzzled, I put it back in its envelope, put it in my purse, pushed down the red flag on the mailbox and went to work. I didn’t give the invitation much thought during the day.

When I returned home from work, I pulled the invitation out of my purse. Not knowing what it meant, or whom it was from, I threw it away. The next morning, as I rushed to the car, I noticed the red flag on the mailbox was standing at attention again. I opened the silver door. Inside was another invitation. “You are cordially invited to attend the greatest event ever. No need to R.S.V.P.  Simply Show Up.” At the bottom, it read, “Look For the Gifts.” Shaking my head, I lowered the red flag, put the invitation in my purse and drove to work.

That evening, when I got home, I took the invitation from my purse, shrugged and threw it away.  On my way to the car the next morning, I saw the red flag on the mailbox standing tall yet again. I sighed. Whoever wanted my attention with these silly invitations was getting on my nerves. I took out the invitation and shoved it into my purse. I drove to work angry at whoever was sending me such nonsense.

When I returned home, I walked next door to see if my neighbor Mary was receiving the invitations. I rang her doorbell. She answered, dressed in a shabby housecoat and old fuzzy slippers. “Please excuse my appearance,” she said quietly as she motioned me to come inside. “I haven’t felt like doing much since Jim died.” Tears welled in her eyes. Her husband of 48 years had passed away six month ago.

“I am so sorry Mary,” was all I knew to say. Mary pulled a handkerchief out from her pocket and dabbed her eyes.

We sat in her living room, making small talk. Finally, I asked, “Have you been getting strange invitations to the greatest event ever?” Mary looked surprised.

“Yes! Ever since Jim died,” she said. “Are you getting them too?”

I nodded.  “I don’t know what they mean,” I answered her.

Mary agreed, “I don’t know what they mean either. I throw mine away every day. It’s a nuisance if you want to know the truth of it.”

We talked for a bit about the invitations and decided they must be a prank. We would continue to throw them away. Eventually who ever was playing the game would tire and stop.

Every day for weeks, I threw away my invitation. Autumn eventually gave way to winter. The first snow arrived late one evening. It swirled and danced as it fell under the streetlight. In the morning I saw footprints in the snow. They went down the street and veered off to mailbox after mailbox. “Ah ha! Who ever is sending the invitations isn’t smart enough to cover their tracks. I can catch this prankster and put an end to this annoyance,” I thought to myself.

That night I sat up with a mug of hot chocolate, staring out the window. I dozed off a few times, but the red flag on the box was still down each time I awoke. I had not missed the culprit. Just before dawn, the sky sparkled with stars ready to fade into the new day. I was about to give up my watch and go to bed, when I saw a small figure walking down the street. It was an old man, bundled in a moth eaten gray coat. Around his neck looped a patchwork scarf. His hair was long and a bit unkempt; over his left shoulder hung a large leather satchel.

I watched him walk past Mary’s mailbox, straight towards mine. “What if this old man is crazy?” I wondered. “Dare I confront him?” My frustration with the game he had been playing outweighed my fear. I marched out to the mailbox just as he was opening its little door. “Oh, there you are,” he said with a soft voice. He extended the invitation to me. I grabbed it out of his hand.

“Just what are you up to?” I demanded. The old man smiled warmly.

“I am extending an invitation to you,” he replied.

“Why?”

“Because you’re invited,” he said. I looked down the street behind him. Some of the mailboxes had their red flags up. Others did not.

“Why me? Why doesn’t everyone get an invitation?” I questioned.

The old man chuckled. “Everyone got an invitation the day they were born. Some just don’t remember. They have to be invited again.”

“Why didn’t you give one to Mary? Her flag is down. She used to get one.” A soft breeze blew down the street rustling the tree branches. The old man pulled his scarf tighter around his neck.

“Mary accepted the invitation. She showed up. I don’t need to leave her one anymore,” he said as he turned to leave. He began walking down the street, whistling.

“But, I don’t understand.” I called to him.

He stopped and turned. In a kind fatherly voice he said, “My child, you must figure it out on your own. It’s up to you to accept the invitation or not.” He turned and walked to another mailbox.

“Was he senile?” I wondered. I almost felt sorry for him.

I went back into the house and sat at the kitchen table. I opened the invitation. It read, just as the others had, You are cordially invited to attend the greatest event ever. No need to R.S.V.P. Simply show up. At the bottom of the invitation it read, Look for the Gifts. I scratched my head in wonder. I waited until a decent hour, folded the invitation into my pocket and walked over to Mary’s house. I wanted to solve the mystery of these invitations once and for all.

Mary greeted me at the door, dressed in a lovely outfit. Her hair was up in a pretty bun. She wore a big smile. It was the first time since Jim’s death I had seen her look happy. We sat on her old sofa.

“When did you accept the invitation?” I asked her. Mary’s eyebrows shot up. “What do you mean?” she asked.

I told Mary about my encounter with the old man. “He said he didn’t give you invitations anymore because you accepted and showed up.  “Where did you go? What was it all about?” I begged to know.

Mary shook her head. “I didn’t go anywhere.  Heavens I have been too busy,” she smiled. “I decided a few weeks ago to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with my life. I didn’t want the few years I have left to be only half lived. I want to live each day to its fullest. I realized there was a gift in Jim’s death. It made me look very carefully at my own life. It made me want to be fully alive. Now I volunteer at the hospital. On the weekends, I take food to the shut-ins across town. I’m planning to plant a garden in the spring. I don’t have time to go to any where. I am too busy appreciating the miracle of being alive. I don’t know what the old man meant,” She explained.

Mary saw a gift in Jim’s passing? Being alive was a miracle?  I fished the invitation from my pocket and put it on the coffee table in front of us. “Mary, read it again,” I asked.

We read it together. Mary figured it out before I did. She covered her mouth with her hand. “Oh my!” A tear rolled down her cheek. “I did accept! I did!” She beamed through tears of joy.

The words on the page settled into my heart. You are cordially invited to the greatest event ever.  I was being invited to my own life! No R.S.V.P. needed. Simply Show Up! All I had to do was show up, to be fully present, to choose to live my life to its fullest. Look for the gifts. There were gifts every day and I had been missing them. I couldn’t see them anymore. I had been busy seeing only my problems, focusing on my losses, feeling bad about myself for my shortcomings and feeling sorry for myself.

He was inviting me again to see the miracle of my life.

I reached out and gave Mary’s hand a gentle squeeze. “Thank you, for the gift of your friendship.” She returned the squeeze. We sat for a while in silence, taking in the enormity of the invitation. “I need to go home,” I broke the silence with a whisper. I hugged her goodbye.

I walked home slowly. I felt the winter sun upon my face. I listened to the snow crunch softly under my boots. I heard the birds celebrating the day. I watched clouds collecting on the horizon. More snow was on its way.

When I got home, I pulled out my old journal. At the top of a new page, I wrote, “The greatest event ever: MY LIFE! One by one, I wrote down all the things for which I am grateful. All the people I love. All the things I love about myself; everything that makes my life wonderful. I saw the gifts. They were easy to see.

Next, I wrote down my heart aches. There was my divorce, my move from the mountains to the city, my children leaving home, my parent’s death when I was a young woman,  my best friend’s betrayal 20 years ago, facing the dating world at my age, the lines on my face growing deeper, all of the ways my life had not turned out as I had planned.  It was a long list. I searched in my heart for the gifts of each seeming “catastrophe.” When I looked carefully, I found the gifts. They were there. I had never looked for them before.

That night I went to bed and prayed, “Dear Father, help me open my eyes, my heart, my ears, my spirit, to the gifts that are before me. Help me tomorrow be able to see the miracle of the day you have provided. Help me live my life to its fullest potential. Help me to not throw away the invitation from you another day! Help me show up.” I said amen and fell into a deep sleep.

The next morning I peered out of my window. Snow fell gently on the new day. I looked over at my mailbox. The red flag was down. I smiled.  Peace washed over me. I had accepted to the invitation to attend the greatest event ever–my life. I was looking for the gifts. I was simply, showing up.

Copyright © 2006 by Jennifer Austin Leigh, PsyD

Curfew

Most parents worry about what time their daughters should come home at night. They focus on the time, making IT the focus, as well as the bone of contention they gnaw on with their daughters.  The time is really the last thing a parent should look at when making a curfew. Here’s why. The mom’s I coach tell me that they are worried about what their daughter’s are doing at night.

When I ask mom’s what would make them feel safer, answers fall into similar categories:

1. I want to know my daughter knows her limits with alcohol if she chooses to drink
2. I need to know she isn’t going to get intoxicated and be assaulted/raped*
3. I want to know my daughter to have a plan to get safely home
4. I need to know her friends will “have her back” if she gets into a bad situation
5. I want to know she isn’t taking drugs that can hurt her
6. I need to know she isn’t going to steal a car, or joyride with friends

Of course there are more issues on the table, but most are about safety. Mom’s don’t always feel comfortable talking to their daughters about these topics, so they set and early curfew and hope that their daughter “won’t find the time” to explore them. Daughter’s revolt, mom’s defend the time limit, saying they are keeping their daughter “safe.” However, the sense of safety is an illusion unless moms roll up their sleeves and do the hard work of exploring their fears about what goes on in their daughter’s life at night. Moms need to talk to their daughters about these issues. One way to get the conversation going is to ask Strategic Questions. As part of good listening skills, Strategic Questions can help your daughter find her own truth about delicate topics and help you create a richer, more intimate relationship with your daughter.

Strategic Questions have a number of elements that set them apart from the run-of-the-mill, everyday questions. Developed by San Francisco-based activist Fran Peavey, Strategic Questions are asked with the intention to open up fresh options for exploration.

Strategic Questions can be tough to ask and hear the answers to, because they break through the facade of false confidence and reveal the profound uncertainty that underlies all reality. Nevertheless, Strategic Questions empower people to create strategies for change in their lives.

There are eight key features that distinguish a Strategic Question. First, a Strategic Question is a helpful, dynamic challenge that encourages movement and change. Instead of “Where do you want to go to college?” a Strategic Question might ask, “What do you want to study and experience in college?”

A Strategic Question encourages options. Instead of “What time do you want your curfew to be?” a parent could ask, “What three topics could we talk about that would help us decide your curfew?”

A third feature of Strategic Questions is that they are empowering. They ask people to find solutions for themselves. The simple question, “What would it take …?” allows people to explore their own truth. For example, “What would it take to make you feel you had more autonomy in your life?”

Two more features of Strategic Questions are that they don’t ask “Why?” and they cannot be answered “Yes” or “No.” Questions that ask “Why?” close down creative options and often generate guilt and defensiveness. Questions that can be answered “Yes” or “No” often only skim the surface or and shut down  the opportunity for your teen to dig deeper into their true sense of self.

Next, Strategic Questions address “taboo” topics. An example would be “What was itthat kept us from talking about…? Fill in any topic that has been hard for you and your daughter to face together.

A seventh aspect of Strategic Questions is that they tend to be simply structured, focusing on one thing at a time. “What one thing can you do to be safe at night?”

Finally, Strategic Questions are deeply respectful of people and their capacity to change and grow in healthy ways. Teens may not have the brain development or maturity to always answer Strategic Questions fully. However, learning to ask them and giving your teen the opportunity to think through answers, will help you and them grow. Be patient if they don’t always have an answer right away. Give your teen the time to think.

Once you begin the process of asking questions and listening to the answers without anger, distress, making your daughter wrong, or any other reaction that negates her reality or stops her from being able to tell you who she really is, the “right” time for setting a curfew and how you want to handle infractions will become more clear. Take your eye off the clock. Put your eye on what’s really important.

*Parent’s worry that their daughter will become intoxicated and get taken advantage of. Parents rarely consider that their daughter may be using intoxicants so she feels she can have sex without guilt or shame. You’ll never know unless you ask!