Parenting Teens in Today’s World

It’s hard these days to be a parent of a teen. News headlines reveal more and more of the dark underbelly of the teen years. Parents often feel frustrated, angry or helpless in when it comes to their teen daughters. But life with a teen doesn’t have to be so hard. In fact, the teen years can be a time of joy, celebrating the journey of your child into the adult years. Here’s how to make the teen years less turbulent.

Understand that the teen brain is quite different from an adult’s brain. Teen’s don’t have a fully grown prefrontal region. (It won’t be fully formed until the late twenties.) That means teens don’t have all the neural real estate needed to make good decisions about their actions, or to plan for the future. Teens live more in the moment and make many decisions from their limbic system. The limbic system is responsible for defending , feeding  and sexual impulses. You can see why that may not be the best source for decision making.

Bring humor and play into your relationship. Just because your teen looks like a miniature adult, that does not mean they are. Teens still need a healthy dose of play, and humor in their lives. Most parents make the mistake of ignoring their teens need to play. Instead, academic performance and behavioral issues take center stage. Old fashioned imaginative play still works magic to bring parents and teen closer. Don’t know how to begin playing again? Start with an old-fashioned treasure hunt. If you don’t know how to hold a treasure hunt, email me. I’ll send the instructions right away. It’s easy, cheap and teens love them.

Learn the 4L’s of parenting. Look, Listen, Learn and Love. Your teen’s brain is hardwired to ask what neuroscientists call “The big brain question.” Every day, your teen asks, in one way or another, “Are you there for me?” The way to always answer “Yes!” is to apply the 4L’s.

Look: observe your teen’s behavior. Listen: hear what her actions and words are saying. Learn: what does her actions or words tell you that she needs emotionally? Love: take care of her needs as quickly and as possible and positively.  Relationships built on the 4L’s are generally respectful, honest and less drama filled.

Learn to be a Transformational Listener. Listening is an art. Most people don’t do it very well. We interrupt, give unasked for advice, make others wrong, or impose our truth on them, just for starters. True listening that helps others transform their lives, and helps us transforms ourselves as well, begins with putting yourself in the speaker’s shoes and understanding what they are feeling. Listening means we empty ourselves of our own agenda and tightly held ideas about “truth” and embrace others truth. Listening means we respect the humanity of whoever is talking, and we encourage them to speak what needs to be spoken. When your teen trusts you enough to tell you who they really are, you are well on your way to an amazing life long relationship built on honesty and respect.

If the turbulent teen years have you in a tizzy, don’t hesitate to contact me. I’ll do my best to practice transformational listening so that your brain (and heart)  understands that someone is here for you.

The Power of a Crayon

Remember the smell when you opened a fresh box of crayons? And the crayons all lined up with their perfect points and beautiful colors?  It took me a long time to pick which one I wanted to use first. There was power in crayons. They gave me the chance to draw and create whatever my imagination wanted.

Now, there is still power in crayons. I keep them around and pull them out whenever one of my children (or clients) is stuck on a problem. I put out butcher paper for them to  mind map, draw pictures, write down questions, doodle etc. until they feel better. Something about a crayon takes you back to that place of innocence from childhood and makes finding answers easier.

I also keep a bowl of wax crayons in my bathroom. I use them to write notes on the mirror or the shower wall. (Lots of brilliant idea’s pop into my head just as the shampoo suds is sliding down my face!) When my children visit from college, they often leave me sweet messages written on the mirror. I save them for days, holding their love deep in my heart.

You can utilize the power of a crayon with your daughter. Buy a box, and put down a big piece of paper on the floor. (Cut open a paper grocery bag if you don’t have large pieces of paper.) Ask your daughter to draw with you. Just doodle. You don’t have to try to be a good artist. Just have fun. You can both scribble lots of color and then color over it with a black crayon. Then use a table knife or something with a good edge, to scrape the black away in places. See what you end up with.

I know. I can hear you groaning, “But Dr. Jenn, my daughter is a teenager, she’ll laugh at me if I ask her to color with me!” Yes, she might. But, she might join you and the two of you can have a moment connecting in a way I bet you haven’t connected in a long time. It’s worth trying, right?

Leave wax crayons in your daughter’s bathroom and let her express herself on her mirror. Write a message on her mirror inviting her to write, draw, doodle on the mirror. Let her mirror become her journal in a way. You can always draw a heart on the mirror, or leave her a short note. Just make sure the mirror becomes a place of love and fun, NOT a place where you leave nagging messages to her. Remember the power of the crayon is about the power of innocence, childhood and love.

Find your own ways to make the power of the crayon work in your relationship with your daughter. Email me how a simple crayon has changed your life. I’m eager to hear. Oh, and don’t forget moms, the power of the crayon can work for you too! Write yourself a wonderful affirmation on your bathroom mirror. Or write your husband a short love note and put it under his pillow. Crayons really are magical. Go find out!
jennifer@drjennforgirls.com

If You Seek Amy

Well, Britney Spears is back. Her beats are talent, no doubt there. I guess I was just hoping she had some better messages for our girls. Why does she need to let us know that “all the boy s and girls are begging to if you seek Amy?” ( Say it fast a few times if you don’t get it…..)

Ok, we all got the message that being “hot” is, well, the hottest thing going at the moment. I guess Brit needs to let all the little girls who adore her know that being F-able is what they need to strive for. So, yeah, I’m  happy Brit seem s to be back on top of her game, sad to hear she’s feeling she has to sling more of the you-gotta-be- hot-or-get-laid-to-be-loved stuff around.

I’m not saying you should censor your daughters music. Don’t get me wrong. But I hope that you do talk to her about the messages she is bombarded with on a daily message. It’s important that you stay on top of what’s going on out in the world that will affect your daughters view of herself and the world around her. A good way to start the conversation is to get curious and ask her questions. No judging, nagging, or unasked for advice giving allowed. Just listen! And learn. And love her. That will do more than you know for her. As for Brit? Well, I hope one day she gets the message that her value is far more than her sexuality. I hope eventually, all of our daughters get the message.

Give the BEST Christmas Present Ever … and it’s TOTALLY FREE!

The holiday’s are upon us. Mom’s are worried about their holiday budget and how to make their daughter’s happy with less than what they got last year.  But there is one gift, that you can give that is so precious, and priceless yet totally free. It will put a smile on your daughters face and help bridge any distance between you. All it takes is some time and thought.

Give your daughter a  “You are a Precious Gift!” letter.  Here’s how you do it.

Outline what your pregnancy was like. Write how happy you were, or how scared. But start at the start of her life… when she was inside of you. Share your memories with her.

Outline about her being an infant, a toddler,  a young child, and then a teen. What are the happy memories that stand out? What do you love most about her? Write about them. Let her know you love her.

What message do you want to end the letter with? A call to action? i.e. “I want to spend more time with you laughing in the coming years.” Or a thank you? “Thank you for gracing my life.” Or, a promise? “I’ll love you till the day I die.”

Find pretty paper to write your letter on, or type and print. You can add stickers to it, or draw or add pictures etc. Be as creative as you like.

Wrap the letter in a pretty box and tie it with a colorful bow. Write on the tag, Special Gift.

After she reads the letter ask if she wants to know anything more, or hear more stories about her growing up and how much you love her.  Offer her the invitation to have a conversation with you. If she declines, that’s OK. She’s a teenager! It’s nice to make the gesture though, and ask what she needs.

Make sure your letter is filled with love and appreciation for her. This is NOT the place to write advice, or to admonish her or say “I told you so!” Open your heart. Write from that place. Give her the gift of love.  Let her know she is a gift to you.  Whatever that which is greater than us, gave her to you. She came through YOU to find her way into the world. She doesn’t belong to you, she belongs to life itself. But aren’t you lucky that she found her way her through you? Let her know that! Happy Holidays.