Your story. Your Life.

All of us create a “story” about our lives and ourselves. We live out this story. All the people in our lives are characters in the story. We attract them based on what roles they are to play in our story. Are you happy with the story you are creating about you and your life? If not, change it.  Change your story!

Our brain subconsciously (or consciously) sums up every new person we meet and makes a decision if we should add them to our current story or not. Often, we add people to our story that remind us of our people who hurt us when we were growing up.  One woman had an alcoholic father. She said she would never get involved with a man who drank too much. It was only after she got married that she discovered her husband’s alcoholism. Some red flags were there along the way, but the story she believed and created was that she wasn’t  truly worthy of a sober man. No big surprise she invited a man into her life to complete her story from her childhood.

Another woman carried her wounds from  childhood sexual abuse with her and attracted a man who had a sexual compulsion into her life. When asked what her story was, she only knew that her value was in her sexuality. She was not yet  able to attract men who valued her for her big heart and her other amazing attributes. (She is currently working on “rewriting” her story!)

When teen girls tell me they keep attracting the wrong type of guy, I ask them to tell me their story. It is usually clear to me that they are inviting the “right” guys to keep their current story going. The guys are not “wrong.” The guys fit the story. It’s the story that’s wrong! The girls need to change their story before they can begin to attract the “right” guys.

What is your story?  Who are the characters in your story and why are they there? Do you know the roles they play in your story? Are you happy with your story? If not, here is how to change it.

Write down your current story. Fill in as many details as possible. Next, write down what you want your new story to be. How are the two stories different? What can you do to live your new story? What are the types of situations and people you want to write into your new story?

Do not let your current “wrong” story keep you from leading the life you want for yourself.  And don’t waste time regretting past stories you have created and lived that didn’t bring you what you really wanted. Life is a growing process. Stop looking back. Stay in the present and work with what is right in front of you.

The story you create about yourself is equal to the life you create for yourself. “Write” carefully!

If you would like more information on how to change your story to live a better, happier life, whether you are 13 or 103, drop me a line. Happy to help you write the story you really want!

The Question That Answers Most Questions

If you are like most moms, you ask yourself many questions every day.  Should you get new car? A divorce? How about losing a few pounds, or adding more exercise into your life? Do you wonder if having an affair will lift your spirits? Maybe you just want to indulge in some online flirting, or sexy talk with a stranger on Craigslist because you husband isn’t attentive as he used to be. There are a thousand things we ask ourselves every day. How do you best decide what is the right answer? By asking yourself a very simple, solid question: “Is it good for the children?”

People can fool themselves when they ask, “Is this good for me?” Often we talk ourselves into believing something is good for us, even though deep down we know it may not be. Using the question, “Is it good for the children?”  is an amazingly simple tool to use to help you guide yourself through life. Let’s take a look at some real life examples.

One woman wanted a divorce from her emotionally abusive husband. Was a divorce good for the children? Usually they are not. But she had to ask, “Was it good for the children to be subjected to a very dysfunctional, cruel family system? What was best for the children?”The woman decided on a clean break, and therapy for everyone. That felt as if it were best for the children.

One woman I worked with fought a battle with diabetes. Yet she drank sodas every day. She couldn’t stop adding more sugar into her bloodstream until she asked, “Is it good for the children?” She realized she was putting her health at risk, which was not in her children’s best interest.

Can you see how this simple, elegant question can apply to so many things you as a mom face every day? If you ask yourself the question and you feel that what you are considering doing isn’t good for the children, don’t do it!

Take the question one more step beyond and use it as a guidelines for your thoughts and beliefs.. Ask the question, “Is it good for the children that I believe… or I think…” What you believe about things is passed down to your children in ways you may not even recognize. What you believe about yourself certainly gets  handed down . Is it good for the children that you feel less than, or small, or feel like a victim?  Probably not. If you know something isn’t “good for the children,” I encourage you to find the way to turn your answer around, so your thoughts, beliefs and actions, “are good for the children.”

Please note, the answer does not have to be about your own children. The answer can encompass children everywhere. We are all united on this planet. Let us not forget that our thoughts, beliefs and action ripple out and touch so many others. May you find your way to always answer, “Yes! This is good for the children.”

Heartbroken!

Has your daughter experienced her first “crush,” only to be crushed emotionally when the relationship fell apart? It’s challenging to know what to tell your daughter when her heart is broken. You know that a new boy will one day appear and things will be suddenly brighter. But your daughter feels as if her life is over.

Here are some things you can do to help your daughter mend her broken heart.

First, you have to know that she has a broken heart. Some girls don’t tell their moms how hurt they are. Watch for signs of depression or anxiety. Is she texting her friends more than usual? Usually you’ll see some signs that something is wrong.

Don’t jump in with advice or platitudes. Your daughter doesn’t want to hear that there are more fish in the sea. They don’t need to hear that you thought her boyfriend wasn’t good enough for her. She cared about him and now he is gone. At the moment she can’t see herself with another boy and she doesn’t want to hear you put her guy down.

Ask caring questions such as, “How can I help?” “What do you need  to feel better?” “May I just sit and hold the space for you to talk about it while I listen?” Remember your daughter is going through a huge emotional upheaval. Now is NOT the time to nag about dirty clothes on the floor or other small things that can be put off to a later time.  Cut her some slack. Breaking up with a crush or a boyfriend is hard! It hurts!

Watch for signs that your daughter may be self medicating her pain away. Alcohol and drug use can begin or increase during times of emotional stress. Encourage her to move her body. Exercise, dance, run, walking, whatever she likes to do will be more effective than drugs or alcohol to calm down her emotions and raise her spirits.

Validate her feelings. If she says she is devastated, don’t try to diminish her reality. Take her words at face value. It is hurtful to tell someone they shouldn’t feel the way they do!  Listen carefully to her.

A beautiful quote found on the internet by an anonymous teen sums up what your daughter needs from you at during a break up.

“When I ask you to listen, and you start giving advice, you have not done what I have asked.

When I ask you to listen, and you start telling me why I shouldn’t feel the way I do, you are invalidating my feelings.

When I ask you to listen, and you start trying to solve my problems, I feel underestimated and disempowered.

When I ask you to listen, and you start telling me what I need to do, I feel offended, pressured and controlled.

When I ask you to listen, it does not mean I am helpless. I may be faltering, depressed, or discouraged, but I am not helpless.

When I ask you to listen, and you do things that I can and need to do for myself, you hurt my self-esteem.

But when you accept the way I feel, then I don’t need to spend time and energy trying to defend myself or convince you, and I can focus on figuring out why I feel the way I feel and what to do about it. And when I do that, I don’t need advice; just support, trust, and encouragement.

Please remember that what you think are my irrational feelings always makes sense if you take the time to listen and understand me”

Your daughter’s heart is broken. Be there for her to help her put the pieces back together.

She needs you. Even if she doesn’t say so. She needs you.