Summer Time and Teens
April 21, 2009 | Written by Dr Jenn | Filed Under Advice for Parents
Fearing Teen Trouble This Summer?
With our tanked economy, there aren’t many summer jobs for teens. This means more teens at home and unsupervised this summer. Here are the top ten things you need to know to make it a safe, sane, happy summer with your teenaged daughter.
Start the conversation now about what each of you expects this summer. Remember to use excellent listening skills! Are your expectations on the same page or on different planets? (Does she expect an allowance and curfew increase and you’re thinking of cutting back?) Try to get expectations aligned as much as possible.
Create a relationship contract. Go over details about behaviors, consequences, rules, rewards etc. contract should include how both of you are going to behave towards each other, how conflicts will get resolved and clear directions on what you’ll do if conflict get’s out of control.
Text. If you haven’t learned how to text yet, learn now! Be ready to text your teen this summer to stay in touch. Teens answer more texts than they do phone calls or emails. You and your teen can create a Twitter account (www.twitter.com) and keep up with each other through tweets. It doesn’t matter how you stay in touch, what matters is that you stay in touch.
Create a Facebook or Myspace account if your teen has one. Ask to “friend” them. If they decline, don’t push. Do push to talk about responsible and respectful use of social networking sites. No posting nude pictures, no slamming other kids on walls or comments, etc. Ask what your teen would do if they got bullied. Make sure they know not to cyberbully.
Agree on a curfew before the last bell of class rings. Agree on consequences for breaking the rules. Remember that you don’t want to become a nasty dictator, so if your daughter calls and says she will be late, ask why and thank her for letting you know. Pick your battles over curfew very carefully! Parents get upset over curfews and blow up at their teens which ruins their relationships. Use your head, keep your cool and talk things out peacefully.
You and your daughter need to talk about the Big 3 D’s: Drugs, Drinking, and Driving. If your daughter can drive, agree upon car use. Who can she drive? Where? When? If your daughter doesn’t have her license but friends do, who is she allowed to ride with? When? Where? Drugs and drinking: get very clear about where you stand and what you expect. At the same time, look back on your own teen years. Did you ever drink or smoke pot? Teens are supposed to test the limits. Their brains are wired, literally, to take risks. But that doesn’t mean you can’t set up boundaries, and expectations. Just don’t freak out if your teen steps over the line this summer. She might. Be ready. Think ahead as to how you will respond.
PLAY! I can’t stress this enough. Teens still need to play just as much as they did when they were younger, but our culture doesn’t respect or encourage play. A playful attitude at home can turn your home into an amazing refuge for you and your teen. Playing helps your teen’s brain grow. Sorry, Guitar Hero isn’t the kind of play I’m talking about. Nor is Grand Theft Auto. I’m talking about the kind of play that uses the imagination and puts kids into a state called “flow.” If you need help becoming more playful or coming up with ideas for playing with your teen go to the play blog at www.drjennforgirls.com.
Start a family project and include your teen. Recession Gardens, family photo albums, volunteering, even yoga classes to calm the mind, or gym sessions to lose weight together can all be things your teen might enjoy doing with you. Find something you both will like and Sharpie it onto your calendar! Make sure you have special time with your daughter at least once a week.
Expect love to happen for your teen. Add long hot days, time together, and teen hormones and you have the perfect recipe for a summer crush or fling. It’s what teens do. Have the conversation with your daughter about relationships. It’s a new world out there. Things to know: teens often have sex a few times then decide if they want to be in a relationship. Some teen girls are performing oral sex with the same regard as saying hello. Some girls, I call them “hyenas” after the spotted hyena, are on the prowl for virgin guys to deflower. Or they are strong-arming guys for sex. Some girls are using drugs or drinking in order to have sex and not feel guilty or to just be braver to go after it. Time to check in with your daughter to find out her views on sex, love and respect. (Buy her a copy of my new book, Laid or Loved? The Secrets Guys Wish You Knew About Being a Dream Girl Instead of a Just-In-His-Jeans Girl.) If your daughter falls in love and gets dumped, remember she really does have a broken heart. Her brain is in withdrawals from all those lovey-dovey feel-good chemicals it used to bathe in.
Take care of YOU! A happy mom makes a happy household. It’s been a long hard winter for most of us. Find ways to nourish your heart, soul and body. Don’t feel a moment’s guilt for being selfish. Self-care is vital! If you have found an amazing way to keep your spirits up, or revitalize, make sure you share your ideas with your friends. We are all in this together!
For more ideas on understanding and developing a great relationship with your teen, browse this website.
Your Child and Sexting
April 21, 2009 | Written by admin | Filed Under Advice for Parents
Dr. Jenn is interviewed about “sexting” in The Oxford Press. Here’s an excerpt:
When it comes to sexting, a simple cell phone can be dangerous, said Jennifer Austin Leigh, known as Dr. Jenn, who is a life coach for teen girls and their mothers.
A cell phone should not be handed over to a child without instructions and rules, because even the oldest teenagers are not old enough to appreciate its power, she said.
“You just don’t hand the phone over, just like you don’t hand the keys over to the car when they are 16,” she said.
Read the whole article here.
Girls Don’t Love Vampires!
April 16, 2009 | Written by Dr Jenn | Filed Under Advice for Parents
Twilight. If you haven’t heard about it, you either don’t have a tween or teen girl at home or you haven’t visited the celeb/movie blogosphere for awhile. The movie was a box office smash. When it went to DVD, girls lined up for blocks, camping out for retailers to open their doors. Girls swooned when they got their copy and adults scratched their heads. What is it about vampires that have our girls weak at the knees? Nothing really. Twilight didn’t catapult into movie madness because the character was a vampire. Ok. Granted it made his character more interesting and he was over the top handsome. What rocketed Twilight into the stratosphere was the story. Boy meets girl. Boy honors, loves and cherishes girl even when it goes against his own nature. Now, that’s a romance to make most girls (and women) go weak at the knees!
Teen girls are bombarded with the media and cultural messages that in order to win a guy’s affection they have to be “hot,” “sexy,” or blatantly sexual. Our teens are growing up in a culture stripped of innocence and romance. But it’s romance girls still pine for. It’s not the vampire that made the girls go gaga. It was his promise. What if a young man made the same promise to a teen girl: “I will honor you, cherish you, protect you from harm and protect you from my potential damaging nature to want to use you for my own gratification.” My heart skips a beat just to write the words. Don’t most of us girls/women want a guy to put aside his biology for a little while and simply see us for the amazing wonderful people we are, instead of a potential “bang and a bounce?” Teens are tired of getting used. Guys and girls alike!
My study of teenage boys indicates the novelty of having sex at an earlier age and with less emotional attachment is beginning to wear off some. In fact, most want to return to more old-fashioned romantic behavior. Teen guys are so confused and overwhelmed about sex. They wish they had a Bella to stand her ground and demand respect.
At the end of the day, Twilight rocked girls’ world because girls’ worlds need rocking with something deeper, more meaningful than a quick hook up. Girls, for the most part, want to be loved, not just laid. It’s why I wrote the book, “Laid or Loved? The Secrets Guys Wish You Knew about Being a Dream Girl Instead of a Just-In-His-Jeans Girl” and the companion book “My Dream Girl Diary: Journal Your Way to Love and Respect. “
No guy can be a vampire, but every guy has the potential to sweep a girl off her feet if he simply respects her enough to protect her not from his lust for her blood, but from his lust for, well, the movie was rated PG-13. You can fill in the blanks. Let’s hope Bella and Edward inspire some sweet, tender, romantic relationships. You know, the kind where our teens trust each other, even though they know they could hurt each other. Love is not with out risk. It takes far more energy and committment than just a hook up.
Making Puberty Less Scary
April 8, 2009 | Written by admin | Filed Under Advice for Parents
Dr. Jenn appears in the Staten Island Advance:
Making puberty less scary
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
By MELISSA CHAPMAN-MUSHNICK
STATEN ISLAND ADVANCEDr. Jennifer Austin Leigh, a San Francisco-based expert on teen girls and moms, offers parents … ideas for making puberty less awkward.
To read the article, click here.
