Celeb Deaths & Your Daughter

First the news came in about Farrah’s death. A few hours later Micheal died. A few days later, Billy died.  Twitter, Facebook and Google were flooded with people wanting to know details, and to mourn.

Your teen daughter may be to young to have adored Farrah or Michael, and she may not have been a fan of Billy’s product pushing. But she is aware that this has been “death week.” Add the grisly death (and video) of Neda in Iran last week, and teens may be struggling to make sense of the world. I’ve been reading notes from teens who are at a loss as to how to cope, especially those teens who have recently lost a friend or loved one.

Parents need to understand their daughters may need help in making sense of and coping with the recent deaths. Here are a few tips to help:

1. Ask your daughter how she feels about the news of the deaths. Let her speak her truth. Do not diminish her feelings by telling her they are silly or uncalled for. All of us are allowed our feelings!

2. Ask how you can help. If she doesn’t know, make a few suggestions. Does she want to draw a picture of the person she is mourning? Will going to a fan page and leaving a comment help? Will spending an afternoon with you her help?  Perhaps she just needs to be reassured that you aren’t going to drop dead anytime soon. Let her know you love her and you are there for her.

3. Appreciate that she may not understand death fully. Even mid-teens don’t grasp fully that they will one day die. Talking about death can be hard for them because they are still trying to understand it. Listen to your daughter’s beliefs about death and honor where she is at.

4. Understand that black humor is a coping mechanism. Michael Jackson jokes are already hitting the ethernet. Some are terribly cruel. If you hear your daughter sharing mean jokes, you can use that as a launching pad to talk about how people cope with death, and how information is shared with others. The trick is to be helpfull, not to lecture or punish.

5. If your teen is spending too much time on the computer reading and watching everything she can about a dead celeb, it’s time to help her unplug and get her involved in real life again.

6. Be aware of your own feelings about death and the death of the celebs this week. Many adults Michael and Farrah’s age find it hard to deal with their loss. Take time to do your own grieving, and coping with the thoughts of your own mortality.

Bottom line: be aware of your daughter’s feelings, be supportive and on the look out for any behavior that would indicate she’s having a tough time. If your daughter has been battling depression or anxiety or any other psychological problem, the recent headlines can add to her challenges.

HEADS UP: Although none of the celebs killed themselves (at least none of the news to date indicates that) a teen contemplating suicide might  try to act out on those thoughts when she is confronted with so much information on death.

It’s been a rough week. Hug your daughter. Let her know you love her. And gives thanks for one more day on the planet. It’s a gift most of us take for granted.

All best

Dr. Jenn

Dr. Jenn for Psychology Today!

I wrote an article every parent of a teenager needs to read. Topic: male virginity. Even if you only have a harem of girls, this topic touches your life. Please take a moment to read. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog

All best

Dr. Jenn

Training Bras Train Single Dads

Single dads  have a lot to learn about how to raise a teen daughter. Here’s a fun story to help dads. Hope it helps! Our girls need dads who are involved.

Buying My First Training Bra

I was raised in a family of five children. Four boys – I was the oldest, and one girl Mary Ann – she was the youngest. At the age of almost four, my little sister became very ill with Encephalitis which is a swelling of the interior brain. This illness caused my little sister to become mentally disabled at a very young age. She was in essence a “special needs” child. My parents, as well as the family, lived with Mary Ann’s illness her entire life. Granted this was a tremendous hardship on my mom and dad. But it was, in my opinion, a blessing from God. As a single dad it is where I pull much of my strength, perseverance and commitment. As a family it taught us to appreciate what we have in life as it can change on a moment’s notice. Mary Ann passed away on April 27th, 2005 at the age of 37. We were so blessed to have this angel in our presence for that long. I am not here to blog about Mary Ann, although I hope to share with you in later blogs the motivation she has been to me in my life.

What I am here to let you know is that when it comes to myself watching girls grow up like other kids, I really do not have a lot of real life experiences to draw upon. Needless to say when it came time for me, or at least I thought it was the time, to buy my daughter her first training bra, I was about as lost as a defensive lineman in a synchronized swimming class. (Think about that one for a minute). Where do you buy training bras? What style would she like? Do they come in different sizes or is it one size fits all? Why do they call them training bras? I know that when I was a kid my dad bought me a “jock strap” not a “training” jock strap. Why do girls need to be trained? Needless to say as a single dad I was very lost. I don’t know about you but it took me until I was in my late teens to walk by the lingerie department of a store and not be afraid to actually look with both eyes wide open. Well that was not about to deter me. My daughter needed me and by God I was going to go buy the perfect bra for her. I just needed to decide where I was going to go to buy it at. At first I thought that I would just go to her favorite store, Limited II, and pick one up. But then it dawned on me “what if one of her friends saw her dad buying a bra for her?” That was the mom’s job not the dad’s. She would be so embarrassed, but I have learned as a single dad there are a lot of jobs for a parent, not just a mom or dad. Regardless I decided to pass on that idea. So I then considered the mall. Lots of stores and lots of options but sure enough some mother would see me, feel sorry for me and become my bra enabler. I didn’t need that as I was more than capable of doing this on my own. I finally settled on the Old Navy store outside of the mall. I marched in with all the confidence of a seasoned shopper, pronounced to the clerk that I needed to be directed to the training bras and proudly walked down the aisle, made the turn, and then…..oh my God, there are a lot of options here. What happened to the one size fits all thought? There were different colors and shapes and styles oh my…Well I did what any other confident single dad would do, I bought every style color and shape they offered. I could have fitted my daughter’s entire middle school at this point. I felt pretty good about my quest even if the checkout person did look at me as if to say to herself “rookie”.

All I needed to do now is bring them home to my daughter, show her what I did for her and wait for the customary “You Rock Dad” comment. When I got home I called her up to her room (the last person we needed witnessing this bonding event was her brother). I told her that I had a surprise for her. I opened all three shopping bags and proceeded to present her with what I knew to be the perfect gift. I told her that as her body begins to develop into the beautiful young lady that she was becoming, she would need these. It took about a split second for her to give me a look as if I was the dumbest dad in the world. “You bought me what? I am not wearing these. I don’t like them and I don’t want them”. And she left the room. But wait honey we need to talk… “Save it dad when I am ready I will get them myself”…Well I did what any good shopper would do, I reached into the bag and pulled out the receipt. Looks like I am going to need this after all.

You see what I learned by that experience is that raising girls as a single dad is such a challenge. You better know your boundaries. Women, young or old, can be a bit opinionated about what they want, and when they want it. Your daughters are just young women in training. As a single dad I sometimes wonder with my daughter if she is in training or I am? I think that maybe we both are. I wouldn’t change that about my life for anything.

Bill McLeod

Founder

www.singledadstown.com

bill@singledadstown.com

Bk Pushing BJs on Teen Girls?

The copy at the bottom of the ad reads: “Fill your desire for something long, juicy and flame-grilled with the NEW BK SUPER SEVEN INCHER,” it says. “Yearn for more after you taste the mind-blowing burger that comes with a single beef patty, topped with American cheese, crispy onions and the A1 Thick and Hearty Steak Sauce.”

  C’mon BK! You can sell your products without having to sell the idea of a blow job!

We wonder why our teen daughters, some 12 and 13 years old, feel the need to drop to their knees for a guy. The “blow me” message is everywhere; in lyrics, movies, books, and now, in ads for fast foods. 

Sure, some people will think  the ad is funny; no harm no foul. But when you work with teens day in and day out, the humor fades all to fast. The increase in violent crimes committed by girls is up. Teen pregnancies are up. Online bulling by girls is up. Sexual aggression by girls is up. Put frankly,  the going down message is helping make the negative behaviors go up statistically in our girls. Promoting blow jobs doesn’t help promote “honor the girl” It exploits the girl.

Parents, you HAVE to talk to your daughters about the media messages they see. It’s like we are in an arms race of sexuality. At the velocity we are at now, where do we end up? Where do we want our girls to end up? These types of messages don’t help promote our girls to grow up to be strong, educated, achieving women.

I’d like BK to stop the ad and write an apology. I’d like parents to boycott buying their food until they show girls more respect.

All best,

Dr. Jenn

Smart as A Fox!

Parents, ever feel that your teen daughter “out foxes” you? Well, help is on the way. Meet Annie Fox, parent educator extraordinaire! Just click the link to visit her wonderful site. You’ll be glad you did. http://www.anniefox.com/parents/tips.html

Moms Model Money Muscle!

Celebrate M-O-M as the Household CFO

Tips from Women & Co. on Being a Financial Role Model 

Today’s women are more involved in financial decision making — not because they have to be, but because they want to be. A recent Women & Co. study found that 63% of women are the Chief Financial Officer (CFO) of their household, responsible for making the majority of financial decisions.  And women who are the CFO of their household are more likely to come from mothers who are CFOs and have daughters who become CFOs.  While only one third of today’s adult women feel they had a female financial role model, 92% now consider themselves a financial role model to their children!

Lisa Caputo, Founder, Chairman and CEO of Women & Co., and Linda Descano, CFA^®, President and COO of Women & Co., offer the following tips to help women continue to be an inspiration to the next generation:

1. Talk to your children about money: Similar to the birds and the bees, money should be an ongoing topic of conversation with your children. It’s never too early or too late to help your children develop a strong foundation of financial knowledge.
2. Get financially fit:  Financial fitness, like physical fitness requires exercise.  Get a piggy bank (or make one!) and create a scenario in which your children can “work” for money, such as payments for household chores or tasks outside the household routine like wrapping presents for charities at holiday time.
3. Practice what you preach: The financial decisions you make today have a lasting impact — now and for future generations. Be financially responsible, and your children are more likely to follow suit. Define your financial goals and put a plan in place to work toward them.
4. Create a common goal:  Get your kids involved in financial planning early by starting a family fund that will be put toward a common goal such as a vacation, gift, or a specific charity that family members would like to support. Let the whole family experience the positive end results of saving and budgeting.
5. Know why money matters:  Strike a balance between your family’s finances and your family life as a whole.  Your finances should support your life, not control it.  Help children build a positive relationship with money by demonstrating that money is not a status symbol, but one of the many components to building a stable and fulfilled life.

And, perhaps most importantly, If you need financial help — ask. Talk with a financial advisor or visit womenandco.com, which provides access to a suite of financial education resources and a vibrant community of financially-minded women.

About Women & Co.

Women & Co. is a financial resource program from Citi, dedicated to helping women achieve their financial goals. Women & Co. provides members with education on a vast array of financial and investing topics, which members access through womenandco.com, where members can read newsletters, listen to audio conferences, and find out about Master Class seminars in major metropolitan areas. For more information, visit womenandco.com.

Tuck This In Your Daughter’s Duffel

Is your daughter headed off to camp or college soon? Want her to think of you AND learn some great “life lessons” as she heads out? Tuck this book into her duffeland you’ve done your job well. Here’s a short blurb about a book with a two by four spiritual ”umph” to the head. In a good way!  (FYI: this is a non-denominational site, so any other religious views are warmly welcomed.)

At her worst, Donna Lee Schillinger had a child out of wedlock, was $25,000 in debt and had the mouth and morals of a sailor. Does this sound like a good role model for your daughter? So, what makes Schillinger, the unlikely author of On My Own Now: Straight Talk from the Proverbs for Young Christian Women who Want to Remain Pure, Debt-free and Regret-free, think parents will line up to purchase her manual on independent living for their daughters who will soon be leaving home? Even if it is based in the Proverbs!

    Schillinger explains, “Imagine we’re driving down the road and a red sports car passes us and speeds on ahead out of sight. Five minutes later, the car comes back toward us. The driver slows down and waves at us to stop. He hollers from his window, ‘The road is blocked up ahead. You won’t be able to get through that way.’” As the story unfolds, Schillinger reveals that she’s that guy. With a humorous and ironical voice of experience, Schillinger waves the red flag of caution for young women, warning against the pitfalls of a post-modern, sexually casual, consumer-is-king society that is indelibly scarring youth with cynicism, sexually transmitted diseases and bad credit.

    The simple practice of reversing the gender in the scriptures from which she springboards her commentary proves the Proverbs to be rich in content throughout (not just in the last chapter) for today’s young Christian woman. Then there are the anecdotes: Schillinger tells of the time she slept with her hands wrapped around her neck and her fingers in the shape of a cross to stave off a vampire attack to point out how fear can cripple women on their own; a hitch-hiking trip gone wrong illustrates the results of abandoning wisdom for adventure; and the progressive pizza puke leaves no doubt about what is meant by “wine is a mocker” (Proverbs  20:1), if not leaving the reader wondering, “Did she really have to go there?” Indeed, Schillinger is effective at scaring a girl straight, though not without the encouragement she’ll need to commit to a deeper spiritual walk.

On My Own Now: Straight Talk from the Proverbs for Young Christian Women who Want to Remain Pure, Debt-free and Regret-freeby Donna Lee Schillinger © 2009 The Quilldriver, ISBN 9780979163951 Softcover, 288 pp. $14.95. Buy at Amazon, B&N or www.OnMyOwnNow.com

Cough Meds Abuse Rising.

Info every parent needs to know!

Tips to Prevent Teen Medicine Abuse: Coming to a Drugstore Shelf Near You

Conscientious parents of teens may monitor the bottles in their liquor cabinets or sniff for the scent of marijuana just to be cautious. Now, a new educational icon on the packaging of over-the-counter (OTC) cough medicine is directing parents to also pay close attention to what’s in their medicine cabinet.

While OTC cough medicines containing DXM are safe and effective when used as directed, they can be very dangerous when abused in extreme amounts—sometimes 25 to 50 times the recommended dose—to get high.

Statistics show that cough medicine abuse can touch any family. A recent study from the Partnership for a Drug-Free America found that one in 10 teenagers has abused medicines containing dextromethorphan (DXM), the active ingredient in cough medicines, to get high, and 28 percent know someone who has tried it.

Even if parents don’t think their children have abused or been exposed to cough medicine, they need to recognize that teens may be hearing about DXM abuse at school, seeing it online, and may be pressured to experiment by their peers.

A Resource for What You Need to Know

To educate parents on the potential for DXM abuse among teens, the leading makers of OTC cough medicines are introducing an educational icon on the packaging of OTC cough medicines containing DXM throughout 2009. The icon encourages parents to visit StopMedicineAbuse.org to learn how to:

• Educate themselves on the issue
• Talk to their teen about medicine abuse
• Safeguard their medicine cabinet and take a regular inventory
• Monitor their teen’s Internet use
• Seek expert advice if they see signs of abuse

A Reason to Start the Discussion

It’s important for teens to get the facts about the risks from their parents, not their friends. Research has proven that teens that learn about the dangers of drug abuse from their parents are up to half as likely to abuse drugs, but many parents need help starting a discussion about medicine abuse. The new educational icon offers another opportunity to talk about the risks of drug abuse, including the dangers of cough medicine abuse.

Parents can visit StopMedicineAbuse.org to learn more about the issue and how they can prevent it from happening in their family.

Dump That Chump!

Words of wisdom about her books, please let me introdue to you, Esther! Here’s what she wants to share with parents of teen girls.

Food for Thought

                                                      FOOD  FOR  THOUGHT

 

                                            Food, Weight and Body Concern

Can you think of a concern shared by more females than body image?

It is likely that nothing consumes women and girls more than “Does this look okay?” and “Do these jeans make me look fat?”

Adolescents are particularly vulnerable to a poor body image.  Their reality is one of experiencing many physical, cognitive and social changes, all at the same time.  Add the influence of media images to the mix and it is no wonder that girls struggle with food, weight and body concerns.  What is a parent to do?

Above all, check your messages!  How often do you utter the word “diet” or make disparaging remarks about your own body?  As parents, our children are keenly aware of what we say and do.  YOU play a powerful role in your child’s developing body image.  So, 1:  Do NOT remark casually about diet or weight.  This habit will be incredibly challenging to break given the culture in which we live.  It is, however, the single most effective thing that you can do to promote a healthy body image.

Secondly, realize that there are no “good” or “bad” foods.  All foods can fit, and we thrive on variety.  To see foods as good or bad is a potentially dangerous mindset. 

The key is to meet your body’s needs by striking the right balance between food intake and physical activity.  Easier said than done!!  However, the next time you reach for a snack, stop and ask yourself “Am I physically hungry or am I really wanting something else?”  Listening to your body and tuning in to sensations of hunger and satiety is the best way to begin to have a healthy relationship with food.  This approach to eating takes conscious effort.  It is often referred to as “mindful eating” and can dramatically enhance body image.

Let us know how you fare as you try these suggestions.  There is more you can do to promote a healthy body image, but this is THE best place to start.

Good Luck.      Leslee Robinson Oliu, MPH, RD, CHES

                            Medical Nutrition Therapist / Certified Health Education Specialist

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