The Power of Dinner

 A 13 year old girl drowned. My 23 year old son John and his girlfriend Sarah, came over for dinner tonight to talk about it. We ate sitting on the floor at a short table that keeps everyone close and connected. The food was simple, the conversation was not. John and Sarah had been camping together over the weekend. The 13 year old girl, a stranger to them,  had stepped too far out into the river and got caught in a swift current which soon roared under a boulder. Sarah’s cousin grabbed her and pulled her away from a certain death. But minutes later, she was back in the dangerous area. John saw her and shouted for friends to grab her again. This time, they couldn’t hold on to her. She  was swept down the river and pinned under the boulder. Her parents screamed from the shoreline. It took a trained team hours to finally retrieve her body, the currents and rocks perilous for the workers John explained.

I sat and listened to them share the tragic tale.  I asked questions. I passed the food. We ate slowly. I listened some more. We talked about life, fate, God,  and choices. It didn’t matter that I am not Rachel Ray or Martha Stewart. What mattered was that we were sharing life’s basic elements, food, water, and our hearts. We eventually shoved the dishes aside and put my laptop on the table so they could show me pictures of the deadly river.  The table held more than our food, it held us together, cradling us as we helped each other bear the burden of the story.

The power of the dinner table has long been overlooked in our culture. Mom’s and dad’s are exhausted after a long day at work.  But the dinner table can be a soothing balm to the weary, a chance for each other to rest in the care of  those they love. Each can nurture the other. Our children need for us to hear them at the end of the day, and we need them to hear us too.  Dinner can be simple. But the conversation should be as complex as it needs to be.

If you have stopped having dinners together, do what you can to set aside a few nights a week to join each other at the table. Sit with open minds, open hearts, and relish the day you just lived. Share your truth and listen to the truth of others. No judgements, no unasked for advice given. Simply hold each other’s truth with respect. Put away the cell phones, and don’t look at the clock. Let the experience unfold as it needs to.

When John and Sarah were done with their story, I put the dishes in the sink. We sat on the couch, still not ready to leave the company of each other. When they did leave, I looked at the dishes in the sink. There will be time tomorrow to do them.  I wanted to simply sit and give thanks that my four children are still alive, and able to share simple meals and their truths with me.

My heart goes out to the family who lost their precious daughter.

I wish your family the peace and comfort dinner together can bring.

Dr. Jenn

Moms Worry About:

This was sent to share with you:

I am the mother of eighteen year old twin sons and a thirteen year old daughter. It has been extremely exciting and challenging having teens in the home and I am realizing now that things will be different with my teenage daughter.

Some of the things that worry me about my teenage daughter is being an effective parent and yet maintaining an open door policy on all topics. I believe in an ongoing relationship with all teens, and have had that relationship with my sons.

My daughter is very interesting and easy to get along with for the most part, and she has an overall great personality. But boy does she have moods, which I know is expected. I am learning though to still be the parent even if it means my daughter is upset with me for part of the day. I realize that if what I am talking about makes sense, once she calms down, she will apologize and I will apologize if I went overboard, and life goes on.

It is very important to me that we maintain a great relationship, built on mutual respect and understanding and that being an effective mother now, will actually improve our future adult relationship.

One of the biggest concerns I have is my daughter always having a great self esteem, and believing in herself, and overcoming any adversity she meets along the way. I have realized that teenage girls can be cruel, without necessarily meaning any harm, and they make unkind comments about other people’s weight, the way they dress etc. Some comments can be very hurtful, and I am sometimes worried about this but I always tell her that she has a choice. I emphasize to her that she can’t control what other people say or do, and that all she can control, is how she responds to what is being said. I always tell her that she can choose to let others hurt her or not and hopefully, this will eventually become part of her life as she meets adversity in life. I am teaching her to learn whatever she can from every encounter, good or bad, and to let go what she has no control over.

I think every parent worries about their daughters getting into the right relationship, and not being abused. We want our daughters to get married and have a great marriage. With a family with older brothers, and a father who are all very protective, this is an ongoing topic of conversation. My daughter is always being told how well she should be treated by her eventual partners. We always discuss the topic of sex, yes even at this age, and how she should not allow herself to be abused by any man.

My one concern, which I am always talking to her about, is that she will always feel comfortable with me, and discuss any concerns or questions, in her future relationships. We currently have a great relationship, which I hope will come in very handy when she starts getting involved in the relationships that will invariably come.

Another interesting concern is about personal appearance. That is where we have the greatest disagreements. I love dressing up and I always wanted a daughter to be able to dress her up. My teenager has a very strong personality, and her own ideas, and dressing up is not one of her top priorities. After fighting and trying to impose my will, I have finally backed off. I realize that so long as she is appropriately clad, and not exposing her body I need to be thankful and it is not worth destroying my relationship with her over this. I am learning to pick my battles.

We talk a lot about appropriate nutrition and not overeating. Initially there was a lot of resistance, and pouting and this was one of the cases where I was in a dilemma about whether I insist and risk my daughter being upset, or do I let it go. I thought it was important to work with her on this one, and now we are getting into healthier living and even exercise. Great!

Overall, it is a great and rewarding experience to raise a daughter, though sometimes challenging. The key with my boys was always communication, and I know that this will work with a teenage daughter too. I am learning though that the way to communicate with her is very different though. It really is true. “Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus.”

Contributed by Marian in Dallas.

My website is www.parentsandteensintune.com , which is aimed at helping parents communicate better with their teens, to maintain a great relationship during the teen years, and empower them to become successful adults.

Honor the Girl Kick Off Party July 31

Honor the Girl, the grassroots movement to help teen girls learn how to have more self-respect and show respect to other’s in today’s “Girl Gone Wild” world, kicks off in New York at a Dr. Jenn PJ Party for MOMS! 

Better TV will have their camera’s rolling to capture the fun. Veronica, an amazing woman with a wonderful company that helps women keep their memories and photos together, along with teaching at F.I.T. will be our host.

The video will go up as soon as we get it so you can enjoy the fun too!

Wet VS Dry Houses

There is a huge debate about whether it is best to be a wet or dry house: that is, are you a parent who is willing to serve alcohol under supervision to teens (wet)  or not (dry)?

Parents who believe wet houses are the answer to teens drinking feel that they at least are in control in that they take teens keys away and no on is allowed to leave the house until everyone is sober or they limit the booze so no one gets intoxicated. Parents who don’t supply alcohol feel wet houses are a huge problem. Who is right and who is wrong? It isn’t a simple answer. I’m opening the floor to debate. Here are some thoughts:

We teach our kids how to drive. We teach our kids about sex. We teach them about many things, but the law says we can’t serve them alcohol until they are 21. How can we teach them anything about the effects of alcohol or responsible drinking when they can’t drink until they are off to college and away from home? (yet most of our kids have been drinking long before turning 21?)  The idea of allowing alcohol in limited amounts to kids before they turn 21 in a safe environment makes some sense. Better than them being out at a wild party and trying to find their way home drunk. I know some parents don’t  believe the argument that “all teens will drink.” Yet, I have HAVE NOT worked with a teen who does not drink or is planning to wait until they turn 21 to drink.  The vast majority of teens are going to try alcohol before they are 21l.  So, what are you going to do to help them stay safe? Is a wet house a good plan to help kids stay safe? I’ve heard from teens who said that they didnt  try alcohol outside of the home since their parents allowed them small amounts. There is some evidence that a wet house isn’t a total wrong idea.

On the other hand, the teen brain isn’t geared for alcohol use, especially the way teens use it. A lot of teens binge drink. It fries their brains. It can take weeks for the brain to recover and start working at pre-binge cognitive states. This indicates it’s important for parents to help their teen not to drink. But, whatever parents are doing now isn’t curtailing alcohol use among teens.

There are no easy answers here. Raising teens has changed dramatically in the last ten years. Some things we parents hold dear are going to have to change to accommodate the new world we live in.

I believe both sides of the wet vs dry houses have merit. I also think that both sides need to put down their “holier than thou” attitude and hear the other side out. 

If your daughter is hanging out at a wet house and you don’t want her to drink, let her and THE PARENT of the wet house know that. It is up to parents to begin to communicate with other parents on these tough topics. Don’t rely on your teen. Pick up the phone and talk to other parents! If you are a wet house, you owe the parents of the teens who come to your house a phone call so they know you maybe serving alcohol. You also are then VERY responsible for the teens in your house. And, you are breaking a law.

I have just scratched the surface with this blog. More to come.  We need a discussion on the topic. We have too many teens off drinking and driving and engaging in risky behaviors fueled by booze.  What will it take to keep our kids safe? Trying to stop them from drinking is about as effective as trying to stop them having sex. We need to look at the topic in a new light, with a fresh perspective.

Listen More, Talk Less Today.

There are four slices of the communication pie. Reading, writing, speaking and listening. Of the four we use listening the most, but we aren’t very good at it. We aren’t taught how to do it. In schools they teach the other three skills. Listening gets overlooked. Oh sure, maybe a teacher read a story to you and then asked how many cows you heard her talk about. Something silly like that. That’s more memorizing than listening.

Listening is an exquisite act of love and respect. It helps both speaker and listener transform their lives when it is done correctly.  Like any skill, it takes practice.

Listening skills that help people feel loved, heard, understood and respected start with the simple act of talking less and listening more. When you listen, don’t interrupt, make the other person wrong, get angry, or give unasked for advice. Don’t exchange a similar story and hijack the conversation. Keep your focus on the speaker. Open your heart and your ears and listen for the need that is being communicated. Almost every time we speak, we communicate a need of some kind. But often it is hidden in our words.

When you learn to listen to your teen daughter she will learn to trust you more and begin to tell you who she really is. Isn’t that what we want from our close relationships? We want others to know us, and for us to know them. Listening is the fastest way to achieve that.

Today, talk less, listen more. Ask questions. Be curious about who your daughter really is. Put your tongue on the roof of your mouth and keep it there so you aren’t tempted to start talking too much.

No nagging. No unasked for advice. No interrupting. Just listen. You’ll be amazed at how much your daughter appreciates it. And guess what? As you model listening skills for her, she will be more apt to listen to you in the future.

Let me know how it goes.

For more help with learning to listen, email me. I have 52 listening skills I can teach you.

All best,
Dr. Jenn

Honor the Girl Kick Off Party in NY

Dr. Jenn is kicking off her grassroots movement, Honor the Girl, as part of her Rockin’ Respect mission for girls and moms. Veronica, our AMAZING host in New York, will be opening her doors for Better TV to shoot the party. It’s a mother of tween/teen girl event to help moms rejuvenate, rediscover their authentic self and snag a few new parenting tips to help their daughters and keep the peace at home. All are welcomed to attend via your TV when the show airs. You can do the same things at home to jump-start your own feel good chemicals in your brain and give your heart a hug!

Serious at Sirius

Dr. Jenn will be in the Sirius studio in NY at the end of the month. She’ll also be doing a 30 minute interview on another Sirius channel in early August. Stay tuned.

Tweenparent.com

This just came across my desk as a website my readers might like to know about www.tweenparent.com  If you have a tween, mosey on over and check it out. Hope it helps! Thanks Suzanne, for sending the link.

Raising Eve: How to Mother Teen Girls.

Biblical Eve didn’t have a mother. But her father was pretty adamant about his parenting. He told her to avoid the tree of knowledge or else…  We all know how that story ended. Today we raise our daughters in a world brimming with knowledge. Some of that knowledge is harmful to them, but it’s virtually impossible to keep them from taking a big bite. They aren’t banned from Eden when they do, but they are pushed out of childhood pretty fast! What can you do to help raise your teen daughter in today’s world?

Three things are vital.

1. Answer YES! Everyday your daughter asks the Big Brain Question, ”Are you there for me?”  She needs to know you love her, support her and respect her. All of our brains are wired to ask others, “Are you there for me?” It’s vital that you show up for your daughter and let her know in every way possible that you ARE there for her. Even when she’s a snarky little snip, you are there for her.

2. Listen. Most people do a terrible job listening. We hear the words but we don’t dig deep enough to discover what the speaker’s need is in sharing their words. Underneath most communication is a need of some kind. When your daughter stops texting her 562 friends on Facebook and actually speaks to you, what does she want you to know, to understand about her or her feelings? Listen for the need. It’s there. Then, take care of it. That’s answering her Big Brain Question with a yes!

3. Become Curious. Put aside your ego and stop trying to turn your daughter into who you want her to be and allow her to unfold as her own person. Become curious about who she really is as a person.When I ask moms to tell me about their daughters they usually list her accomplishments: good grades, captain of the water polo team, etc. Rarely do they tell me who their daughters are as people. Discover who your daughter is. If you answer her Big Brain Question with a yes, and you listen to her needs, she will learn to trust you enough to tell you who she really is.

Start with those three things. When you find your relationship with your daughter growing stronger and more loving, you will be able to help her find her way through our information overload world. Conversations about the big things that can harm her will be more natural and she’ll listen to you more. All of us respond better to people we feel love and respect us. At the end of the day, that’s the most important thing you can do: love and respect your daughter. But the trick is to do it in a way so she feels it.

Raising our girls in today’s Google, YouTube, Internet Porn, MySpace world isn’t easy. But, here we are. We moms have to give it our best. Our daughters deserve it.

Book It!

Dr. Jenn putting in some fly time to reach girls in New Jersey. July 31, 2009. A fun event with lot’s of learning!

http://www.bookitevents.com/jenniferleigh.html

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