Rap Earns a Bad Rap

A decade ago, when my daughter started listening to rap, I cringed. I didn’t believe in censorship, (forbidden fruit tastes so much sweeter!) but I didn’t like the lyrics she was listening to either. Hmmmm. What to do?

We talked OFTEN about what she was listening to, and the message behind the words. I wanted her to know that just because rappers were badmouthing women, didn’t mean that women were bad. But, not everyone got the memo.

Research now shows that listening to rap music increases sexist attitudes and misogyny. (Cobb, M. & Boettcher, W. (2008). Ambivalent sexism and misogynistic rap music: Does exposure to Eminem increase sexism? Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 37, 3025-3042.)

What to do if you are a parent of a teen? Keep the doors of communication OPEN. Keep talking about the messages in today’s society that puts girls (women) down as mere sexual playthings. Find out what your teen believes about girls, sex and violence against women.

Be brave enough to talk about the tough topics. Not sure how? My newest book, True Listening, The Essential Parenting Skill for Mothers of Teen Girls will be available in a few weeks. Write me if you want me to put aside a copy for you.

Our children are listening to messages that degrade women, ruin relationships, and inhibit optimum brain growth. It’s time we listen to our children and find out how they feel about living in a world that creates such negativity against women. The message against women is a negative statement about men as well. We all flounder on the sinking ship of sexism.

On your mark, get set… LISTEN~! Start a conversation with your teen TODAY! Hear what they have to say about rappers putting down women.

All the best

Dr. Jenn

P.S. My daughter is now 22, and listens to a wider array of music. Whew!

Beyond the Dragons

Centuries ago, dragons were drawn on the map where the unknown stretched out, waiting to be discovered. We are beyond the dragons now, as girls become more violent. The increase in violent crimes committed by teen girls in on the rise. Not a little, a lot. I just read about two girls who brutally murdered a teacher. It’s one of many stories I’ve been reading about and my heart aches.

When did taking on the worst of men’s behavior, violence and promiscuity, become the badge of honor girls think they need to wear?

I’m sad our world encourages teen girls to go against the way their brains are wired. Like it or not, the female brain is wired differently than the male brain. Women are the nurturers. We are the mothers, with that fierce, proud mother energy that gives life. We are not usually cold hearted murderers. So what’s happening to our daughters that is turning more and more of them towards violence? No one knows for sure.

This much I do know for certain. Our teen girls need help. Someone needs to stand in the crowd and shout, “The Emperor has no clothes on.” Someone has to start the conversation about what is happening to our daughters and begin to look for answers.

Guess what? “TheEmperor has no clothes on!” I’ll be the one to start the conversation.

We are in uncharted territory. Our girls need our help.

We need corporations to stop dishonoring girls by selling us sex and violence against women. (CW, we need better programming than Gossip Girl!!!) We need artists who write, sing, paint, etc. to stop dishonoring girls in their creative endeavors. We need everyone who is brave enough to say the cultural Kool Aid is poison to stand together and HONOR THE GIRL!

Will you stand with me and add your voice against the riptide of cultural currents and help teach the world to honor the girl?  The future of the world depends on whether or not we learn to honor the girl. It’s just that simple.

Best

Dr. Jenn

Don’t Argue Sitting Down

Ever get so angry, or upset with your teen daughter that you feel you will explode?  So have a lot of other parents. It’s just part of raising a teenager. Here’s what you can do to resolve the conflict and reduce the adrenaline and other nasty stress chemicals that race through the body and brain that make it much harder to think clearly and resolve conflict.

1. Tell what happened. Just the facts.

2. Explain your feelings about the facts. Use the “When You…. I feel/felt…. ” statement to avoid making others defensive.

3. Explore ways to resolve the conflict that will be mutually beneficial to both parties. Find some common ground.

BUT WAIT!!  Here’s the secret tip: DON’T DO THESE THINGS SITTING DOWN!

Why? Because the toxic stress chemicals that come from being angry/upset build up when you are in a resting position. The body’s (and brain’s!) best defense for moving the stress chemicals from the body is to move your body! 

Ethologists Robert Saploksky and Peter Levine have shown that animals in the wild process their stress by shaking. (Animals are constantly under threat of being eaten, so one would imagine they have had to learn how to deal with big stress!)   It’s hard to come up with a peaceful solution to conflict when our bodies and brains are steeping in a “toxic tea” of chemicals designed to make us want to fight or flee.

Discuss the challenging issue with your daughter where the two of you can walk, or in some other way move about. How about agreeing to talk things out on a walk around the block or dancing to some great tunes? I know it may sound silly, but you’ll find that your stress levels will stay down, and I bet you’ll come to a more peaceful resolution to your conflict.

One of the listening skills in my forthcoming book: True Listening: Essential Skills for Mothers and Mentors of Teen Girls, goes more into detail about the practice of conflict negotiation on the move. 

Try this new skill the next time you and your daughter have a disagreement. Write and let me know how it turns out.

FYI: One of the WORST places to get into an argument is in the car. The driver is distracted to begin with, and any agitation makes driving unsafe. Both parties are strapped down, unable to move the stress chemicals out of their bodies!

All best,

Dr. Jenn

The Secrets Are Almost Here!

On bookshelves soon!

The Secret Power of Parents

Parents often tell me the feel powerless in today’s new world to be a positive influence on their daughters. I understand their dismay. The world is such a new place with all the technological and cultural changes. However, your daughter still needs you, even though she may act like she could care less about you except for your carpooling, laundry, cooking, cleaning and ATM skills. What parents forget is that they have a secret power that they can use to build a better relationship with their daughter. That power? It’s the power of Love. Corny? You bet. Scientifically proven! You betcha!

What we know about neuroscience and Interpersonal Biology, (which means how relationships affect our brains for good or for bad) is that our daughter’s brains are “asking” us if we are there for her. It’s what Interpersonal Neurobiologists call “The Big Brain Question.” When you answer your daughter’s BBQ with a “Yes!”  she feels  accepted, understood, “gotten,” heard etc. In a nutshell she feels loved. Brain scans show us that humans who have love and support in their lives have more optimum brain growth. Not only that, they grow “better” hearts.

Some scientists believe that our hearts are more than mere pumps. They report that the heart has neurons just like the brain has. In fact, some believe the heart has it’s own “brain,” or source of intelligence. The heart actually has far more electromagnetic energy than the brain!  So, the power of your love, your ability to listen to your daughter’s “Big Brain Question” and answer with a “Yes!” will help your daughters emotional and intellectual growth!

Mind you, your daughter won’t ask the Big Brain Question out loud. She will ask it through her behavior and her conversation. You’ll have to listen carefully for it. That’s why I am teaching Big Brain Listening Skill for parents at my new Scarsdale office.  I’ll be video taping them soon, so those of you who can’t make it to New York can buy them and learn at home.

You have tremendous power as a parent. Your love, patience, understanding, support, nurturing and being there emotionally for your daughter helps her grow up in healthy, happy ways. I know it’s a wild world out there. But don’t discount how much you are giving your daughter when you simply love her in a way so she feels it, she gets it and she trusts it!

All best

Dr. Jenn

Unmotivated Daughter? Blame It On…

Almost every parent has felt that their daughter isn’t doing “enough.” “She should have more motivation!” parents tell me. However, what most parents don’t understand is that their teen daughter’s brain isn’t mature. If your daughter seems too much like a “slacker,” blame it on her Nucleus Accumbens, a part of the limbic system of the brain. It is thought to play a role in reward, laughter, pleasure, addiction and fear.  

Scientists discovered through brain scans of teens, that this area of the brain is less developed than in adult brains. That means that teens usually are more prone to engage in activities that are highly exciting, or don’t demand a great deal of effort, or both.  Sound familiar?

What do you do?

Patience and love.

Be patient for your daughter to grow up and moreover, allow  her brain  to grow up. Love her while she is doing all the growing up.

Never yell at her. Don’t put her down for the way she feels. Don’t make her ”wrong.”  Don’t nag! Those things will hinder her brain growth.
Do work on discovering what she needs emotionally and providing it for her. Build a relationship with her that is built on her being able to trust you.

I know the teen years can be frustrating for parents. But, they can also be years of joy and fulfillment watching your daughter unfold and become a wonderful woman!

All best,

Dr. Jenn