Out of Control Daughter.

Your daughter is out of control: frenetic, frenzied and furious. You are frustrated. What do you do?

Your ability to regulate your own brain while your daughter’s brain is locked in a “limbic frenzy,” is the key to parenting success. Your ability to lead and pace your daughter as she melts down, is vital for her to grow the right kinds of neural connections that equip her with more tools to avoid a limbic frenzy in the future.

The limbic system is the area of the brain responsible for the survival of the species. It constantly scans the environment looking for food, a genetically good mating partner, and danger. It is an area of the brain that reacts rather than “thinks clearly and logically.” Teens use this area of the brain as their main steering wheel for life as the area of their brain that makes logical, rational decisions is growing up. That growth will take your child well into their twenties.

As your teen reacts to life from their limbic system, it is vital that you remain steadfast in your perfrontal cortex. That is the area of ration, logical, life and love affirming of the brain. Granted, it isn’t always easy to remain cool and calm in the path of an overwhelmed, angry teen, but it is important to do so.

The more love and patience you can bestow upon your daughter, especially in the times when she seems to not be worthy of it, is the science behind good parenting skills.

When you reach out to your daughter withcalm, respect, logic and love, you help her regulate her frenzied brain. Your brain helps her brain calm down!

We tend to think of the brain as a singular unit. However, there is no “one” brain. There are only brains interacting with other brains, for better or for worse.

When you remain calm and loving in the face of your teen daughter’s furry, your brain reaches out and hugs her brain… more or less. Not only that, but your heart wraps its wings around her heart, and embraces her in a way she feels loved.

Out of control daughter? Be an in control, calm, LOVING mother.

Your daughter will one day thank you for it.

All the best,

Dr. Jenn

Facebook Privacy

The New York Times published an article on Facebook privacy settings. You may want to print it out and use as talking points with your teen. You may also want to go in and change your own privacy settings on FB.

Go here to read and print the article.

http://www.nytimes.com/external/readwriteweb/2010/01/20/20readwriteweb-the-3-facebook-settings-every-user-should-c-29287.html?em

Hot headed or Hot House Mother? Quiz

Are you a Hot Headed or a Hot House                                                                                   Mother?

Take the quiz and find out.

1. When my daughter talks to me about things that make me anxious or angry, I:

a. Listen as calmly as I can. I want to know who she really is.

b. Tell her I don’t want to hear about it.

c. I walk out of the room and ignore her. She should know not to bring up certain topics with me.

2. When my daughter does something I don’t like I:

a. Discuss her behavior and help her find ways she can learn best from her mistake.

b. Tell her “I told you so!”

c. Immediately ground her, take away her cell phone, and give her a piece of my mind!

3. When I am upset over work or relationships I:

a. Understand that my daughter is not my mother and don’t burden her with adult issues.

b. I tell her what a jerk my boss, or boyfriend or her dad is!

c. I cry on her shoulder and expect her to help me solve my problems.

4. When my daughter is disrespectful of me I:

a. Do my best to understand it is part of being a teen and I don’t over react.

b. I insult her just enough so she doesn’t get too big of an ego.

c. I totally tear her up emotionally. I won’t stand for her being so sassy with me!

5. My daughter is my complete opposite:

a. I value our differences. She is her own person.

b. I do my best to get her to be more like me.

c. I don’t want much to do with her. She’s too weird!

6. I’m her mother so:

a. I know I need to help my daughter become her true self. She needs to trust me.

b. I want her to be scared of me a little, so she will do what I tell her to do. I know what’s best for her.

c. I expect her to jump when I say jump. I’ll tell her who she can be friends with and what she should be when she grows up!

7. When my daughter talks to me  and I get happy, scared or angry  I:

a. Wait for her to finish telling me everything she needs and wants to.

b. I interrupt her often and share my point of view.

c. I turn the conversation around to make it about me. I need to express myself.

8. When my daughter tells me about a problem I:

a. Listen as long as it takes for her to hear herself and find her own answers.

b. Give her advice even if she doesn’t ask for it. I’m her mother for heaven’s sake!

c. I tell her what she should do and make sure she follows up with what I tell her.

9. When my daughter talks to me I about stressful things I:

a. Listen for feelings, and ask what I can do to help.

b. I listen and worry that her problems mean I am not a good mother.

c. I tell her she shouldn’t feel the way she does and that she will feel better tomorrow.

10. When my daughter tells me something that seems out of character for her I:

a. Am truly curious as to what is true for her.

b. I roll my eyes and think, oh boy, here we go with some crazy idea she has.

c. I tell her she is off her rocker and to “get real.”

11. When my daughter tells me she is happy but she’s slumped in the chair frowning I:

a. Say what I see. I tell her I see her frowning. I ask her what that means and ask if she wants to talk about it.

b. I tell her I know she is sad and that things will get better.

c. If she wanted me to know about her feelings she would tell me so I just listen to the words and ignore her body language.

12. I think about what my truth is and what I want:

a. Often. I make those questions part of my life map.

b. I hardly ever listen to my own truth or wants.

c. I have truth and wants? You’re joking, right?

If you circled mostly c answers, you are more of a hot headed mother than a hot house mom. That means you are more prone to letting fear, worry, anxiety and ego get in the way of nurturing your blossoming daughter.

If you circled mostly with b answers, you are “warm headed, and have some control over your emotions that can get in the way of you listening to who your daughter really is.

If you circled mostly a answers, you are a hot house mother. You tend carefully to the tender shoots of your daughter growing, unfolding and blossoming into who she is meant to be.

Check your answers to question number 12. If you answered a, you self-listen fairly well. If you answered b, you might want to consider learning how to listen to your own truth and wants. If you answered C, you may want to begin exploring who you really are, and take steps to begin to know yourself better. You can extend the care and nurturing of hot house mothering to yourself.

There are no perfect mothers. Some days you may be a hot house for your daughter, with great nurturing, and the next day, be hot headed  and cold to your daughter. You may be unable to be there for her in a respectful, loving way. As long as your daughter gets more hot house care than hot headed mothering, she will bloom.

Your daughter is on loan to you from someplace we know naught about. She came through you and is here to find her own purpose, path and passion in life. Please honor her growth, till her soil, keep the weeds and pollutants from her, and listen to her as she grows. Encourage her to find her way, to grow into the most amazing woman she can possibly become. Treat her with the protection, sanctuary and nurture of hot house care.

All the best,

Dr.Jenn

Ordor Amorum

What do you love? What do you love the most? Ordor Amorum is an easy (but not simple!) way to discover your inner truth.

Take time to sit down with pen and paper and write all the things you love in life. Then, put them in order. What’s number one? Number two? Number three? When you can put things in order you begin to understand what you need to pay the most attention to.

If you take for granted that your number one love will always be there, or it doesn’t require much attention from you, you may be incorrect. How might you pay more attention to that which you love the most?

What do you love? What do you love more? What do you love the most? Use your ordor amorum to create a map for your life, your passion and purpose. Your loves will rarely take you down the wrong path.

I know it is not easy to list your loves. Most of my clients balk when I ask them to do this exercise. But those who muscle through it create amazing lives.

You can too!

All the best,

Dr. Jenn

Hot House Parenting!MUST READ

In 2004 studies done by Marian Bakermans-Kranenburg changed the landscape of psychology. She wanted to change the behavior of  young children who acted out in ways that earmarked less than a successful future. And, she did. By changing the way their mother interacted with them.

The study turned certain ideas about genetic function and behavior on its head. Here’s what you need to know in layman’s terms. Your parenting can and does impact your daughter’s genetic make up. If she has a variant in her genes that put her at risk for depression, anxiety, ADHD etc, her environment can turn those genes ON. Here’s the good news. The studies done in 2004 show that kids with variant genes, IF TREATED WITH LOVE AND CARE, can not only avoid the negative behavior associated with their genetic make-up but ACT BETTER THAN children with “normal” genetic coding.

If that is hard to grasp, just ponder this please.

Your mothering is like the clay pot in which your daughter, a wonderful flower grows in. Your care, tending and love are the hothouse that is the safety from all the pollutants in the world that can harm her. You are her constant gardener.

If you parent with HOT HOUSE skills, meaning you learn to be curious, open, accepting, and loving, (what I call COAL)  your daughter will bloom and blossom in amazing ways. (Even if her genetics are not wired for “normal!)

Orchids need special care to grow. They need just the right soil, temps, water. They are not like dandelions that sprout up victorious through cracks in sidewalks. Think of your daughter as an orchid. Tend to her like you would a delicate flower whose blossom is intensely beautiful! Don’t expect her to be as tenacious as a dandelion. Tend to her, take good care of her like you would a wonderful hot house plant.

If you can be the hot house for your daughter, she will blossom.

Along the way, you have to also be the hot house for yourself, and learn to take good care of you, so you can take good care of her.

I wish you well as you tend to the garden of love that is your relationship with your daughter.

All best

Dr. Jenn

Have You Had the Beauty Talk?

If you don’t talk to your daughter about the manipulation of models in the beauty industry, you may be leaving her believing that the pictures she sees in magazines, on billboards etc. are real. Most of us know that the models are manipulated by computer imaging to create gorgeous faces and bodies.  You should have a talk about the beauty industry when you daughter is young, and keep reinforcing the message through her teen years.

The beauty industry wants girls to believe that they need to buy products in order to achieve the unachievable! In doing so, the beauty industry hurts our girls self-respect and self-confidence.

If you haven’t discussed the beauty industry with your daughter, please start soon. Let her know that she does not have to look like the girls the media portrays as beautiful.

In my book, “The Secrets Guys Wish You Knew About Love,” guys tell girls that what is most important to them is NOT how a girl looks, but rather how she acts. 98% of the guys said they would rather be with a good listener than a hottie.  But beauty companies can’t sell girls what they already have inside of themselves, the ability to care and connect.

Help your daughter feel good about her true beauty, her true self. Talk to her about the media brainwashing. Ask her how she feels about it.

All best

Dr. Jenn

H.A.L.T. to Avoid Drama

Think H.A.L.T. before you communicate  with your  daughter. H.A.L.T. stands for Read more

Messy Room and Mary in the Morning

Once a month or so I’m on  the Mary in the Morning show. She is amazing! Mary and her producer, Heather are a powerful duo helping women and teen girls.

Check out the show here. You can listen over the Internet if you like.

The last time I was on, the topic about teen girls’ messy rooms was brought up. It is a topic that has many moms up in arms. Here’s my advice and I know it will not sit well with all moms. However, knowing what I know about the teen brain and respectful relationships, I stand by my advice.

If your daughter’s room is messy, close the door. It is that simple!

“But…. ” you cry out. “Dr. Jenn! If I do that, she will never learn to be neat and tidy, and besides she isn’t showing me enough respect.” Yes and no.

Yes, she will one day learn to be neat and tidy, but not today. Today she is busy being a teenager. A few parts of her brain are not fully matured and your daughter is by nature, prone to being involved in activities with high excitement or low effort factors. Cleaning her room may sound like low effort to you, but to your daughter the low excitement factor over rides the low effort. Sorry Mom, but changing her Facebook status has more appeal than sorting socks and shoes. Please, just live with it. It’s her room.

You don’t have to be the maid. You don’t have to wash, fold or iron all her clothes strewn about. Let her be in charge of her clothes. When enough of them get dirty, she will wash them. If it bugs you that expensive clothes are on the floor, stop buying them. Give your daughter a clothing budget and let her decide what to buy and how to take care of what she buys. If things break, tear, or otherwise get ruined, she will have to wait until you budget for more clothes. Just DON’T turn the issue into a battlefield. Please. There are much bigger mountains to jab your flag into and fight over. Just…. close the door.

As for respecting you, No, she is not disrespecting you.  Again, she is just being a teen. If you can respect her space, not nag her about her space, and let her grow up, she will show you much more respect in her own teen way. The respect you want may not look like the respect your daughter is able to give… not just yet. But wait. In a few years, she will bloom and blossom, and if you haven’t pushed her away emotionally, she will shower you with love and respect.

I’m so glad the topic of the messy room came up on Mary’s show. It’s a fight that really doesn’t have to be fought. Find bigger, more important battles.

For more insightful topics for women, mothers and girls, check out Mary’s show. I’m so glad she invites me to chat (and sometimes bumble on!) about parenting teen girls.

Go hug your daughter, pull her door shut and show her how to operate your washing machine. (  And maybe show her where you keep the ant spray as well! Yikes!!)

All the best,

Dr. Jenn

Can’t Be Two Places At Once

You can’t be two places at once. You are either “in love” or you are “in fear” or worry.

I have been working with many moms who are in worry or fear. They are consumed with “what if my daughter….”  I know, being the mother of four children, that it is SO hard to push worry aside. But, think of the wonderful things you could accomplish if you stayed “in love” instead of in worry or fear.

When you stay in love, you look for solutions. You look for the positives. You look for closeness, openness, acceptance and respect. Worry or fear throws you into looking at the negative, the minus side of your daughter.

If you must worry, then use your worry to produce solutions to what you worry about. If that is not possible, then let the worry go. I know it’s challenging, isn’t it?

Visualize something you love, something that brings you peace. Hold the vision in your cupped hands and then place it over your heart. Breathe in for the count of 7 and breathe to the count of 11. Thank the worrisome thoughts for stopping by and then tell them goodbye. “Watch” them leave.

Use your energy for bringing forth the good in yourself and your daughter. Worry rarely brings out anything other than more fear and negative emotions that do not help our brains or our hearts.

I hope you stay in love with your daughter, and do your best to stay out of worry or fear.

All the best,

Dr. Jenn