Girlfriends Fighting

May 4, 2009 | Written by Dr Jenn | Filed Under Advice for Parents

Dear Dr. Jenn,

I am worried. My 15 year old daughter fights with her girlfriends all the time. One minute they are best friends, the next minute they text that they hate each other. Is this normal? What can I do to help them get along better?

Dear Worried,

It’s normal behavior in today’s world, but that doesn’t mean it is good behavior. But, I hear about it all the time. Girls seem to be getting more and more competitive with each other and they are definitely getting crueler in the way they fight with their friends. Technology allows people to unleash their “inner ugliness” too easily. Teens “think” about the repercussions of their words or actions a bit more when they are face-to-face.

You can help by teaching your daughter to use all technology respectfully. That means three simple things. 1. Never text or type anything mean or disrespectful to someone. 2. Don’t respond to a rude or bullying text, just ignore it and follow through in person or on the phone, calmly. (That is the hardest one for girls to do.) 3. Learn to think how the person reading your text or comment will feel. If you think it will hurt them or make them angry, don’t send it.

You can also help reduce the friction between the girls by always making your house the fun place for everyone to hang out. It makes a big difference when girls have a fun, safe place to hang out and talk. That’s what girls do. They talk. A lot. And they need a place where they can do it face to face. Encourage their relationships by encouraging more face-to-face interaction.

Last but not least, teach your daughter how to be a Detective listener. (You’ll want to learn yourself as well!) I’m posting the detective listening skills in my next newsletter for those of you who haven’t read “Laid or Loved? The Secrets Guys Wish You knew About Being A Dream Girl Instead of A Just-In-His-Jeans Girl.” Detective Listening skills are the foundation of all healthy, happy and lasting relationships.

Oh, you should know that your daughter’s brain hasn’t grown up yet. Literally. She uses a different part of her brain than an adult uses to navigate through the world. That’s part of the relationship drama at her age. Give her another ten years or so, literally, and her brain will be mature. More brain facts coming soon! Parents have been asking a lot about teen brains. I’ll follow through.

All best, Dr. Jenn

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