Don’t Argue Sitting Down

Ever get so angry, or upset with your teen daughter that you feel you will explode?  So have a lot of other parents. It’s just part of raising a teenager. Here’s what you can do to resolve the conflict and reduce the adrenaline and other nasty stress chemicals that race through the body and brain that make it much harder to think clearly and resolve conflict.

1. Tell what happened. Just the facts.

2. Explain your feelings about the facts. Use the “When You…. I feel/felt…. ” statement to avoid making others defensive.

3. Explore ways to resolve the conflict that will be mutually beneficial to both parties. Find some common ground.

BUT WAIT!!  Here’s the secret tip: DON’T DO THESE THINGS SITTING DOWN!

Why? Because the toxic stress chemicals that come from being angry/upset build up when you are in a resting position. The body’s (and brain’s!) best defense for moving the stress chemicals from the body is to move your body! 

Ethologists Robert Saploksky and Peter Levine have shown that animals in the wild process their stress by shaking. (Animals are constantly under threat of being eaten, so one would imagine they have had to learn how to deal with big stress!)   It’s hard to come up with a peaceful solution to conflict when our bodies and brains are steeping in a “toxic tea” of chemicals designed to make us want to fight or flee.

Discuss the challenging issue with your daughter where the two of you can walk, or in some other way move about. How about agreeing to talk things out on a walk around the block or dancing to some great tunes? I know it may sound silly, but you’ll find that your stress levels will stay down, and I bet you’ll come to a more peaceful resolution to your conflict.

One of the listening skills in my forthcoming book: True Listening: Essential Skills for Mothers and Mentors of Teen Girls, goes more into detail about the practice of conflict negotiation on the move. 

Try this new skill the next time you and your daughter have a disagreement. Write and let me know how it turns out.

FYI: One of the WORST places to get into an argument is in the car. The driver is distracted to begin with, and any agitation makes driving unsafe. Both parties are strapped down, unable to move the stress chemicals out of their bodies!

All best,

Dr. Jenn