Loan Shoes For Love

You know what life is like for your daughter, don’t you? Maybe not. And that’s part of the problem in creating a respectful, loving relationship with her.

We often assume we know what life is like for someone else. We look at what they own, what they do, and believe we can piece together a sense of who they are. But our assumptions are very often way off target. We  don’t always know or understand how life is impacting others.

The best way to understand our daughters  is to do our best to walk in her shoes.  How do we do that? Two things come to mind.

1. Literally ask her to loan you one of her shoes. Ask her to write down three things that she wishes  you understand more about her. Ask her to tuck the note in the shoe. Read the note and use your best listening skills to open your heart to her message. Learn what she needs from you and do your best to respond to her needs in a timely, loving fashion.

2. As you read her note,  practice kenosis. It’s an unusual word, but don’t let it put you off. It simply means to “empty yourself of yourself.” That means you empty yourself of any agenda you have for your daughter. Empty yourself of your own self interests and truly open your heart to her. Do you very best to see her life through her eyes, to walk through life in her shoes.

Ask your daughter to loan a shoe to you so you can learn how to understand and love her in a way so she feels it.

When you find ways to walk in your daughters shoes and be there for her, you are answering her big brain question with a YES!  Social Neuroscientist Dr. Mark Brady  writes that all of our brains are hardwired to ask the people we care about, “Are you there for me?” When the answer is “Yes!” our brains grow more neural networks. We create better lives.

Find out what life is really like for your daughter, and how you can best support her.

Ask her to loan you a shoe.

Hold onto it for a few days. Keep it where you can see it. And do your very best, to try to walk in her shoes for a bit.

When you return her shoe, I encourage you to have a conversation with her about what you have learned. It may be helpful to remember the two important questions, “What do you need?” and “How can I help.”

Let’s all learn to try to walk in others shoes so we can understand them and love them more.

All best,

Dr. Jenn