Out of Control Daughter.
January 24, 2010 | Written by Dr Jenn | Filed Under Advice for Parents
Your daughter is out of control: frenetic, frenzied and furious. You are frustrated. What do you do?
Your ability to regulate your own brain while your daughter’s brain is locked in a “limbic frenzy,” is the key to parenting success. Your ability to lead and pace your daughter as she melts down, is vital for her to grow the right kinds of neural connections that equip her with more tools to avoid a limbic frenzy in the future.
The limbic system is the area of the brain responsible for the survival of the species. It constantly scans the environment looking for food, a genetically good mating partner, and danger. It is an area of the brain that reacts rather than “thinks clearly and logically.” Teens use this area of the brain as their main steering wheel for life as the area of their brain that makes logical, rational decisions is growing up. That growth will take your child well into their twenties.
As your teen reacts to life from their limbic system, it is vital that you remain steadfast in your perfrontal cortex. That is the area of ration, logical, life and love affirming of the brain. Granted, it isn’t always easy to remain cool and calm in the path of an overwhelmed, angry teen, but it is important to do so.
The more love and patience you can bestow upon your daughter, especially in the times when she seems to not be worthy of it, is the science behind good parenting skills.
When you reach out to your daughter withcalm, respect, logic and love, you help her regulate her frenzied brain. Your brain helps her brain calm down!
We tend to think of the brain as a singular unit. However, there is no “one” brain. There are only brains interacting with other brains, for better or for worse.
When you remain calm and loving in the face of your teen daughter’s furry, your brain reaches out and hugs her brain… more or less. Not only that, but your heart wraps its wings around her heart, and embraces her in a way she feels loved.
Out of control daughter? Be an in control, calm, LOVING mother.
Your daughter will one day thank you for it.
All the best,
Dr. Jenn
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My 16 year old daughter was a talented,gifted,wonderful child up until about the age of 12 and slowly she started to change. Her father and i were only 18 when we had her and had a happy house although we did argue over his drug use and as i moved on in life to educate myself at college i grew up and felt he was staying still in life,we split up for a year when my daughter was 12 and her Uncle also died of a heroin overdose at the same time.
She smokes,drinks quite heavily,dabbles in drugs,hangs around unsavoury places and people,she has given up every talent e.g drama,violin and has recently decided that she will not pass any highers because she hates school. Her new boyfriend of 18 has his own place and she wants me to declare her homeless to enable her to get her own place. I feel like im losing the battle and dont know what to say or do in case i regret it forever.