Sneak a Peak at My Daughter’s Messages?

Dear Dr. Jenn,

I hear conflicting advice about whether I should sneak a peak at my daughter’s texts or Facebook wall?

Dear Private Eye,

It’s normal to want to know what goes on in your daughter’s virtual life. But, before you turn into Robert Langdon and try to crack your daughter’s secret password that allows you access to her virtual world, think upon these things:

1. EVERY teen girl I talk to says that she stopped telling her mother things when she discovered her mom’s snooping. Trust was broken.

2. EVERY teen girl told me they learned to hide their lives better once they found out their moms had access to their messages or inbox on their social networks.

3. EVERY teen girl said that a snoopy mom ruined their relationship for the future. Not one teen girl saw their mother’s actions as loving. They saw it as invasive.

Knowing how strongly girls reacted to their moms sneaking around, do you want to chance ruining the trust of your daughter? Perhaps something will happen that she will want to confide in you, but won’t because you can’t be trusted.

If you have taught your daughter how to use texting respectfully, and you have taught her the dangers about virtual social networks, etc., then allow her her privacy. Keep the conversation open about her virtual life, but don’t break into it going behind her back. 

I have seen the damage done when mom’s jack their daughter’s passwords. It’s not pretty. If you are  worried about your daughter’s virtual life, you need to talk and listen to her. Ask good questions so she will feel free to tell you the truth.

Truth. That is the heart of the matter. Have you built the type of relationship where you daughter trusts you with her truth? Do you judge her or take away her cell phone or ground her for every small infraction? Or, do you believe in her and understand that the teen years are trying for everyone, her most of all?

There is a lot of danger in our young girls lives.  Protect your daughter BEFORE you give her a cell phone by teaching her how to use it properly. No sexting, for example.  Teach her responsible use of the internet. Just like you’ll make sure she knows how to drive before you hand her the keys, right?

Teens will often hide the fact that they are being cyberbullied, so make sure you talk to your daughter about that topic often. Let her know she can tell you ANYTHING. That means you listen and you don’t freak out!

If you feel your daughter’s safety is in danger and the ONLY way to help her is to break into her accounts, then by all means, keep her safe from harm. I’d never advocate turning your back on your daughter’s safety.

It’s a wild world out there. Being the person your daughter can turn to is so important. It takes trust. It takes love. Work on both, please. If I  can be of any help to you in building a relationship with your daughter, let me know.

All best,

Dr. Jenn