Loan Shoes For Love

You know what life is like for your daughter, don’t you? Maybe not. And that’s part of the problem in creating a respectful, loving relationship with her.

We often assume we know what life is like for someone else. We look at what they own, what they do, and believe we can piece together a sense of who they are. But our assumptions are very often way off target. We  don’t always know or understand how life is impacting others.

The best way to understand our daughters  is to do our best to walk in her shoes.  How do we do that? Two things come to mind.

1. Literally ask her to loan you one of her shoes. Ask her to write down three things that she wishes  you understand more about her. Ask her to tuck the note in the shoe. Read the note and use your best listening skills to open your heart to her message. Learn what she needs from you and do your best to respond to her needs in a timely, loving fashion.

2. As you read her note,  practice kenosis. It’s an unusual word, but don’t let it put you off. It simply means to “empty yourself of yourself.” That means you empty yourself of any agenda you have for your daughter. Empty yourself of your own self interests and truly open your heart to her. Do you very best to see her life through her eyes, to walk through life in her shoes.

Ask your daughter to loan a shoe to you so you can learn how to understand and love her in a way so she feels it.

When you find ways to walk in your daughters shoes and be there for her, you are answering her big brain question with a YES!  Social Neuroscientist Dr. Mark Brady  writes that all of our brains are hardwired to ask the people we care about, “Are you there for me?” When the answer is “Yes!” our brains grow more neural networks. We create better lives.

Find out what life is really like for your daughter, and how you can best support her.

Ask her to loan you a shoe.

Hold onto it for a few days. Keep it where you can see it. And do your very best, to try to walk in her shoes for a bit.

When you return her shoe, I encourage you to have a conversation with her about what you have learned. It may be helpful to remember the two important questions, “What do you need?” and “How can I help.”

Let’s all learn to try to walk in others shoes so we can understand them and love them more.

All best,

Dr. Jenn

Trends of 20’s

This just landed on my desk. I think it is important to share.

OYW: Ten Trends of 20-somethings
Opinions from 1600 global young leaders coming together for a week of learning in London Feb 7th at
www.oneyoungworld.com

Ten Trends
1. Real-time expectations

Anyone in his or her 20s living in an economically developed community has never known life without instant communication everywhere. Twenty-somethings communicate with friends on the go, in real time—no waiting for snail mail. They get the latest news as it happens, with a live feed from where it’s happening—no waiting for the scheduled news on TV or radio. Whenever they need to dig out information about virtually anything, it’s there, in abundance; there’s no need to dig around in books.

Twenty-somethings are riding the wave of real-time living. If it’s not real time, 20-somethings switch their focus to something that is.

2. Living more intense local lives

One of the great paradoxes of borderless, global real-time technology is the way it reinforces local connections.

As adept users of real-time technology, 20-somethings are able to live locally more intensely. With mobile devices they make social arrangements on the fly. With location-based services through Google and others, they can locate friends who happen to be nearby; they can also get alerts from whichever companies in the vicinity are offering interesting deals.

Facebook typifies the paradox. Now with 350 million users worldwide, it was started by 20-somethings at Harvard for local users. It grew by extending its services to other local groups (e.g. other Ivy League universities). Like many big cities, Facebook is just an amalgam of discrete localities.

3. Radically transparent

Twenty-somethings have grown up with reality TV and radical celebrity culture—media poking into every corner of people’s lives, from Hollywood A-listers right down to the lowliest got-lucky types who copped their 15 minutes of fame by accident. They’ve grown up in a culture of the highest-level confidential information “leaks,” a world where even the great and the good confess mistakes and show emotion to millions.

In their personal lives they are constantly using technologies with which they can bare all—sometimes literally—to their friends. They are more or less aware that online nothing can be considered confidential, but they go ahead anyway.

Right or wrong, this is a generation that’s on a clear trend toward being more transparent about its thoughts, feelings and actions than has any previous generation.

4. Expecting cheap or free everything

Globalization has made many essentials of life very cheap. Twenty-somethings are used to a world where value and discounted offerings are everywhere. They can fill their stomachs and clothe themselves at unbelievably low cost. Budget airline travel is normal for them. The Internet has accustomed them to getting music, software and services for free, either legally or illegally. After all, one of the biggest, most powerful brands on the planet (Google) offers a huge range of powerful services at no cost to the user.

The trend of cheap or free expectations among 20-somethings will increasingly shape business models.

5. Entertainment must be part of the deal

In some parts of the world—particularly the West—fun and entertainment have long become an essential part of education. Twenty-somethings have grown up with Sesame Street and animated, interactive, fun graphics in the classroom and in museums. Hence the notion of Edutainment.

All over the world, even in places where older, more dutiful approaches to education prevail, fun and games have become a staple activity of young people. These have been promoted by corporations and endorsed by researchers as beneficial.

In an extensive 38-country online survey of 15,844 young adults aged 23-28 fielded by SurveyShack in association with YouGovStone between July 2008 and December 2009, 59 percent of respondents said they regularly play video or computer games in their spare time; this makes gaming the second-most popular activity after socializing (61 percent).

6. Worrying about the planet

Twenty-somethings are certainly keen on play and entertainment, but there’s a more serious undertone affecting their lives. Every day they are exposed to more and more worrying reports about what’s going wrong with the planet: climate change, disappearing species, habitat destruction and water shortages have been daily fare for 20-somethings through all their adult life.

In the survey, 64 percent of respondents saw climate change affecting them seriously in their lifetime and 82 percent saw it affecting future generations seriously; 64 percent thought that only immediate radical changes can prevent the most serious impacts of climate change.

Going forward, assuming the planetary news doesn’t improve, the worrying trend of 20-somethings will become the norm.

7. Seeing luxuries as standard

Twenty-somethings now think nothing of paying significant amounts for key products and services that are actually luxuries by historical standards. Whether they’re paid for by parents or out of their own money, normal life for 20-somethings now includes:
· A mobile device of some sort (e.g. smart phone, iPod Touch) with a camera, costing well above $100, plus monthly fees
· A computer costing at least $300, with monthly broadband fees on top
· A wide-screen TV, costing at least $300, with cable and satellite fees on top
· Higher education as far as they can go—bachelor’s degree, postgraduate studies

8. Pro-business, anti-multinational

Today’s 20-somethings are far removed from the left-wing and countercultural ideologies that fired up young people in the late 1960s and early 1970s. All around the world they’ve been raised in an environment in which free markets were regarded as the solution to everything and which certainly delivered plenty of consumer goodies to make life more fun. Twenty-somethings aren’t anti-business. After all, some of their favorite brands were founded by 20-somethings. Their lives are filled with the things that business has produced.

However, they’re not so keen on multinational corporations. In the survey, two-thirds of respondents (66 percent) think global corporations have too much power, and 81 percent think global corporations must behave responsibly and ethically.

Multinational corporations have long been the object of concern for a few; now, as Generation Real-Time shares information fast, they’re becoming the concern of many young people. This time around, the young people don’t aspire to bring those big corporations down by force; instead, they aspire to out-business them.

9. Regulate the heck out of media bias

Media 2010 is a lot bigger field than it was in 2000 or 1990. Titles in traditional formats (TV, radio and print) are now available through the Internet, along with others that only exist on the Internet. Increasingly diverse media titles and news sources are available to anyone with the curiosity to click on a link. No wonder a substantial 70 percent of respondents in the survey get their news via the Internet.

The broader choice of media, plus increasing educational levels and media savvy, makes 20-somethings more aware than ever of media bias; they can compare versions of the same story and read commentary from different angles. This is probably why 70 percent of respondents think all news media should be regulated so that it’s clearly independent of state and corporate bias.

At the same time, they don’t want government to regulate social media. It’s called MySpace, after all.

10. Naturally Me but aspiring to We

Self, personal and personalized have been abiding themes throughout lives of today’s 20-somethings: self-expression, self-esteem, personal computers, personal profiles, personalized settings, personal development and personal branding—also known as A Brand Called Me. Whether the national culture is highly individualistic (e.g. United States) or more collectivist (e.g. China), technology and business have thrived by enabling people to express themselves: to be more Me.

Culturally and commercially, 20-somethings have been indulged and encouraged to be more selfish than were previous generations. Yet they are also now acutely aware that everyone pursuing selfish interests creates the planetary problems that are worrying them.

Hence the trend of 20-somethings caught between the impulse to do their own thing and the desire to do the right thing together. Or as the pithy observation has it, “Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help mom do the dishes.”

More TRENDS @ www.oneyoungworld.com
@oneyoungworld Twitter
Oneyoungworld UTUBE

Available for interviews
Social Trend Expert Marian Salzman www.mariansalzman.com
President and leader of trend live polling/opinion research at OYW
Euro RSCG Worldwide PR
200 Madison Avenue, 2nd floor
New York, New York 10016
www.eurorscgpr.com

For interviews
Donnetta Campbell
Twitter @cpublicity
203 434 3548

Facebook Privacy

The New York Times published an article on Facebook privacy settings. You may want to print it out and use as talking points with your teen. You may also want to go in and change your own privacy settings on FB.

Go here to read and print the article.

http://www.nytimes.com/external/readwriteweb/2010/01/20/20readwriteweb-the-3-facebook-settings-every-user-should-c-29287.html?em

Can’t Be Two Places At Once

You can’t be two places at once. You are either “in love” or you are “in fear” or worry.

I have been working with many moms who are in worry or fear. They are consumed with “what if my daughter….”  I know, being the mother of four children, that it is SO hard to push worry aside. But, think of the wonderful things you could accomplish if you stayed “in love” instead of in worry or fear.

When you stay in love, you look for solutions. You look for the positives. You look for closeness, openness, acceptance and respect. Worry or fear throws you into looking at the negative, the minus side of your daughter.

If you must worry, then use your worry to produce solutions to what you worry about. If that is not possible, then let the worry go. I know it’s challenging, isn’t it?

Visualize something you love, something that brings you peace. Hold the vision in your cupped hands and then place it over your heart. Breathe in for the count of 7 and breathe to the count of 11. Thank the worrisome thoughts for stopping by and then tell them goodbye. “Watch” them leave.

Use your energy for bringing forth the good in yourself and your daughter. Worry rarely brings out anything other than more fear and negative emotions that do not help our brains or our hearts.

I hope you stay in love with your daughter, and do your best to stay out of worry or fear.

All the best,

Dr. Jenn

Moms Talking to Moms

Dr. Jenn created a social network so mothers of teen girls can share their thoughts, ideas and questions. It’s  hosted on ning and open to the public. You can go here to join and invite other moms to join and help support each other.

http://honorthegirl.ning.com/

Hope to see you there!

Moms,visit www.honorthegirl.me for support  and nurturing from Dr. Jenn each month, deliverd in your inbox.

Confidence Crisis in Moms

I listen to a lot of moms. They say they don’t feel confident as a mother anymore. It was easier to be a parent when their daughters were younger. Teenagers place an enormous new pressure on parenting skills. Most mothers don’t seem prepared for the new world their teen daughter lives in. And how could they? The world changed so fast in just the past few years! All of us are juggling the new “rules” of today’s world.

It worries me that moms feel so overwhelmed and under-skilled. That isn’t good for them or for their daughters. So I have put together SIX STEPS that help mothers reclaim their confidence, improve their parenting skills, and feel better about themselves as women in today’s world. I’ve put the six steps into an easy to follow S.E.C.R.E.T.  Simplify, Excitement, Credibility, Rituals, Emotions and Tell!  I’ll be giving moms a simple tool for each step every month. Moms don’t have to do all six steps to improve their life, even working on one will make a big difference.

If you are interested in learning more about the  ”S.E.C.R.E.T.” to reclaiming your power as a mother and feeling better about yourself, email me at jennifer@parentingteengirls.com  I’ll send you a personal email about how you can get all the info you need to increase your confidence!

All best

Dr. Jenn

Moms Worry About:

This was sent to share with you:

I am the mother of eighteen year old twin sons and a thirteen year old daughter. It has been extremely exciting and challenging having teens in the home and I am realizing now that things will be different with my teenage daughter.

Some of the things that worry me about my teenage daughter is being an effective parent and yet maintaining an open door policy on all topics. I believe in an ongoing relationship with all teens, and have had that relationship with my sons.

My daughter is very interesting and easy to get along with for the most part, and she has an overall great personality. But boy does she have moods, which I know is expected. I am learning though to still be the parent even if it means my daughter is upset with me for part of the day. I realize that if what I am talking about makes sense, once she calms down, she will apologize and I will apologize if I went overboard, and life goes on.

It is very important to me that we maintain a great relationship, built on mutual respect and understanding and that being an effective mother now, will actually improve our future adult relationship.

One of the biggest concerns I have is my daughter always having a great self esteem, and believing in herself, and overcoming any adversity she meets along the way. I have realized that teenage girls can be cruel, without necessarily meaning any harm, and they make unkind comments about other people’s weight, the way they dress etc. Some comments can be very hurtful, and I am sometimes worried about this but I always tell her that she has a choice. I emphasize to her that she can’t control what other people say or do, and that all she can control, is how she responds to what is being said. I always tell her that she can choose to let others hurt her or not and hopefully, this will eventually become part of her life as she meets adversity in life. I am teaching her to learn whatever she can from every encounter, good or bad, and to let go what she has no control over.

I think every parent worries about their daughters getting into the right relationship, and not being abused. We want our daughters to get married and have a great marriage. With a family with older brothers, and a father who are all very protective, this is an ongoing topic of conversation. My daughter is always being told how well she should be treated by her eventual partners. We always discuss the topic of sex, yes even at this age, and how she should not allow herself to be abused by any man.

My one concern, which I am always talking to her about, is that she will always feel comfortable with me, and discuss any concerns or questions, in her future relationships. We currently have a great relationship, which I hope will come in very handy when she starts getting involved in the relationships that will invariably come.

Another interesting concern is about personal appearance. That is where we have the greatest disagreements. I love dressing up and I always wanted a daughter to be able to dress her up. My teenager has a very strong personality, and her own ideas, and dressing up is not one of her top priorities. After fighting and trying to impose my will, I have finally backed off. I realize that so long as she is appropriately clad, and not exposing her body I need to be thankful and it is not worth destroying my relationship with her over this. I am learning to pick my battles.

We talk a lot about appropriate nutrition and not overeating. Initially there was a lot of resistance, and pouting and this was one of the cases where I was in a dilemma about whether I insist and risk my daughter being upset, or do I let it go. I thought it was important to work with her on this one, and now we are getting into healthier living and even exercise. Great!

Overall, it is a great and rewarding experience to raise a daughter, though sometimes challenging. The key with my boys was always communication, and I know that this will work with a teenage daughter too. I am learning though that the way to communicate with her is very different though. It really is true. “Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus.”

Contributed by Marian in Dallas.

My website is www.parentsandteensintune.com , which is aimed at helping parents communicate better with their teens, to maintain a great relationship during the teen years, and empower them to become successful adults.

Honor the Girl Kick Off Party July 31

Honor the Girl, the grassroots movement to help teen girls learn how to have more self-respect and show respect to other’s in today’s “Girl Gone Wild” world, kicks off in New York at a Dr. Jenn PJ Party for MOMS! 

Better TV will have their camera’s rolling to capture the fun. Veronica, an amazing woman with a wonderful company that helps women keep their memories and photos together, along with teaching at F.I.T. will be our host.

The video will go up as soon as we get it so you can enjoy the fun too!

Honor the Girl Kick Off Party in NY

Dr. Jenn is kicking off her grassroots movement, Honor the Girl, as part of her Rockin’ Respect mission for girls and moms. Veronica, our AMAZING host in New York, will be opening her doors for Better TV to shoot the party. It’s a mother of tween/teen girl event to help moms rejuvenate, rediscover their authentic self and snag a few new parenting tips to help their daughters and keep the peace at home. All are welcomed to attend via your TV when the show airs. You can do the same things at home to jump-start your own feel good chemicals in your brain and give your heart a hug!

Serious at Sirius

Dr. Jenn will be in the Sirius studio in NY at the end of the month. She’ll also be doing a 30 minute interview on another Sirius channel in early August. Stay tuned.

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