Four Neuro-Annihilators

Few teens today will reach early adulthood with instruction or practice in managing what Stanford neurobiologist Robert Sapolsky has identified as the four primary destroyers of optimal neural growth. When the brain doesn’t grow in an optimal way, people grow up with what is known as a “disorganized brain.”

( I have taken many of the words from this post from my colleague  social neuroscientist Dr. Mark Brady. He writes how parents can increase brain growth in their children. His blog is worth your time to read. )

Parents, Teachers and Teens Don’t Know!

The majority of parents, teachers and teens don’t know what the four horsemen of Neuro-Annihilation are. Without proper neural growth, teens grow up less healthy, happy and successful. That means some will lead marginal lives, recreating the cycle of disorganized brains in their children. Some will even be incarcerated or institutionalized.

Neuro-Annihilator One: Lack of Control

The first neuro-annihilator for kids (and adults as well) is the experience of having little control in their lives. Teaching kids from an early age, how to recognize what they can and they can’t control in developmentally appropriate ways, and then taking steps to help facilitate them in doing so, goes a long way towards connecting up parts of the brain in the prefrontal cortex where executive function will come to reside. The prefrontal connections allow us to make plans, keep track of time, reflect on our actions and engage productively with groups, as well as make rational, logical life and love affirming decisions.

Questions to ponder: How might you allow your daughter to have more control over her life? How might you teach her to cope with that which she can not control?

Neuro-Annihilator Two: Living with Little Predictability

The healthy brain is an anticipation-prediction machine. When we operate in environments where there is little predictability and we have little idea what to anticipate from one moment to the next, chronic stress results. This stress triggers the release of high levels of glucocorticoids like adrenaline, cortisol and glutamate. Glucocorticoids circulating at high levels in the blood eventually end up destroying neurons, particularly in the hippocampus, the center of memory and learning. Things like worrying if your private life has been exposed on campus, being bullied,   relationship violence, are examples of unpredictability that become stressors making it literally difficult to think straight.

Questions to Ponder: How might you work with your daughter to create the type of predictability needed for optimal brain growth for your daughter?

Neuro-Annihilator Three: Little Emotional Support

Relationships, when you strip away all their complexity, have a single, primary purpose – to help us feel calm and safe. There’s ONE question that all brains want answered, and they want it answered, “Yes.” Parent’s brains, children’s brains, all brains. And they don’t want a lukewarm “Yes,” or a “Maybe Yes” or a “Getting-to-Yes Yes.” They want a substantial, resounding, unequivocal, “YES!” Yes.

Here is what happens in the brain when the answer is something other than “Yes.”  If the answer is “Maybe,” or “I’m not sure,” a confusion and uncertainty begins to take shape in our children’s brains. How this looks under a brain imaging device is a significantly reduced number of grooves in the brain together with fewer connections between neurons. Reduced connections result, not unexpectedly, in reduced abilities in different areas – for example, motor areas or immune function – resulting in greatly diminished capacities, e.g. lower social or emotional intelligence or reduced impulse control.

When the answer to the Big Brain Question (coined by Dr. Brady) is, “No,” children are placed into an untenable position: the place where they live, and the people they need to take care of them are not performing that fundamental function very well. Because they are unable to take care of themselves, our children are now stuck. Feeling, or actually being helplessly stuck with no ready resolution in sight, has been found to be the primary experience that results in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in adults and children alike.

“Recovering neurologist,” Dr. Bob Scaer, says: “The cumulative experiences of ‘life’s little traumas’ shape virtually every single aspect of existence. This accumulation of negative life experiences molds one’s personality, choices of mate, profession, clothes, appetite, pet peeves, social behaviors, posture, and most specifically, our state of physical and mental health.”

All that might not be so bad. Given the great plasticity and regenerative capacity of the brain, it might be something children could work with.

However, Gabor Maté, a Canadian physician, sees the damage caused by the answer “No” to the Big Brain Question as even more serious. Here’s what he has to say: “The biology of potential illness arises early in life. The brain’s stress response mechanisms are programmed by experiences beginning in infancy, and so are the implicit, unconscious memories that govern our attitudes and behaviors toward ourselves, others and the world. Cancer, multiple sclerosis, rheumatoid arthritis and the other conditions we examined are not abrupt new developments in adult life, but culminations of lifelong processes. The human interactions and biological imprinting that shaped these processes took place in periods of our life for which we may have no conscious recall.”

Teens need friendships that answer their BBQ with a “Yes!.” Teens can and do learn how to respond others with a “yes!” when you teach teens how to create safe tribes, and you teach them how to respect themselves and others and avoid creating enemy images of others.

Questions to ponder: How might you ensure you answer your daughter’s Big Brain Question with a resounding “Yes!” How might you gently teach her to avoid creating enemy images of others?

Neuro-Annihilator Four: Having Few Outlets for Managing Stress

How do you know when eustress (good stress) turns into allostatic load (bad stress).  Most people don’t know when that transition has been made until long afterwards. They have allergic reactions, make mistakes, get sick, get into accidents, obsess, sleep poorly and displace hostility onto those closest to them, often without the slightest awareness that allostatic load might be the root cause of the difficulties.

When teens (adults) are under stress, their HPA axis turns on. (The hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis) It bathes the body and brain in neurotoxins which damage the brain. It also suppresses the release of “trophic factors.” (Trophe comes from the Greek word meaning “nourishment.” What sunlight and water do for tomatoes and roses, trophic factors do for brain cells).

Learning to preemptively predict and effectively address such stress shifts might be the greatest nourishing gifts we can offer our children, and ourselves as well. Allostatic load significantly damages the brain.  If we don’t help one another learn to effectively manage it, then unwittingly, we risk damaging all our brains.

One way to manage stress is to understand how the brain functions. Teens who learn that their brain is still growing, and learn the reason why they often make lousy decisions, (they use the limbic system to make decisions) can work to reduce their stress. Education about the brain is vital.

Questions to ponder: How might you work to reduce bad stress in your life? How might you help your daughter reduce stress in her life?

When you create your family life, and polish your parenting skills with the four horsemen of neuro-annihilation in mind, you help raise teen daughters that thrive. You raise Dandelion Daughters. They are emotionally sturdy, hardy, resilient young women who bloom in any environment, even in adverse conditions. We all want our daughters to be able to bloom no matter what life throws at them.

All best,

Dr. Jenn

The Secret Power of Parents

Parents often tell me the feel powerless in today’s new world to be a positive influence on their daughters. I understand their dismay. The world is such a new place with all the technological and cultural changes. However, your daughter still needs you, even though she may act like she could care less about you except for your carpooling, laundry, cooking, cleaning and ATM skills. What parents forget is that they have a secret power that they can use to build a better relationship with their daughter. That power? It’s the power of Love. Corny? You bet. Scientifically proven! You betcha!

What we know about neuroscience and Interpersonal Biology, (which means how relationships affect our brains for good or for bad) is that our daughter’s brains are “asking” us if we are there for her. It’s what Interpersonal Neurobiologists call “The Big Brain Question.” When you answer your daughter’s BBQ with a “Yes!”  she feels  accepted, understood, “gotten,” heard etc. In a nutshell she feels loved. Brain scans show us that humans who have love and support in their lives have more optimum brain growth. Not only that, they grow “better” hearts.

Some scientists believe that our hearts are more than mere pumps. They report that the heart has neurons just like the brain has. In fact, some believe the heart has it’s own “brain,” or source of intelligence. The heart actually has far more electromagnetic energy than the brain!  So, the power of your love, your ability to listen to your daughter’s “Big Brain Question” and answer with a “Yes!” will help your daughters emotional and intellectual growth!

Mind you, your daughter won’t ask the Big Brain Question out loud. She will ask it through her behavior and her conversation. You’ll have to listen carefully for it. That’s why I am teaching Big Brain Listening Skill for parents at my new Scarsdale office.  I’ll be video taping them soon, so those of you who can’t make it to New York can buy them and learn at home.

You have tremendous power as a parent. Your love, patience, understanding, support, nurturing and being there emotionally for your daughter helps her grow up in healthy, happy ways. I know it’s a wild world out there. But don’t discount how much you are giving your daughter when you simply love her in a way so she feels it, she gets it and she trusts it!

All best

Dr. Jenn

Raising Eve: How to Mother Teen Girls.

Biblical Eve didn’t have a mother. But her father was pretty adamant about his parenting. He told her to avoid the tree of knowledge or else…  We all know how that story ended. Today we raise our daughters in a world brimming with knowledge. Some of that knowledge is harmful to them, but it’s virtually impossible to keep them from taking a big bite. They aren’t banned from Eden when they do, but they are pushed out of childhood pretty fast! What can you do to help raise your teen daughter in today’s world?

Three things are vital.

1. Answer YES! Everyday your daughter asks the Big Brain Question, ”Are you there for me?”  She needs to know you love her, support her and respect her. All of our brains are wired to ask others, “Are you there for me?” It’s vital that you show up for your daughter and let her know in every way possible that you ARE there for her. Even when she’s a snarky little snip, you are there for her.

2. Listen. Most people do a terrible job listening. We hear the words but we don’t dig deep enough to discover what the speaker’s need is in sharing their words. Underneath most communication is a need of some kind. When your daughter stops texting her 562 friends on Facebook and actually speaks to you, what does she want you to know, to understand about her or her feelings? Listen for the need. It’s there. Then, take care of it. That’s answering her Big Brain Question with a yes!

3. Become Curious. Put aside your ego and stop trying to turn your daughter into who you want her to be and allow her to unfold as her own person. Become curious about who she really is as a person.When I ask moms to tell me about their daughters they usually list her accomplishments: good grades, captain of the water polo team, etc. Rarely do they tell me who their daughters are as people. Discover who your daughter is. If you answer her Big Brain Question with a yes, and you listen to her needs, she will learn to trust you enough to tell you who she really is.

Start with those three things. When you find your relationship with your daughter growing stronger and more loving, you will be able to help her find her way through our information overload world. Conversations about the big things that can harm her will be more natural and she’ll listen to you more. All of us respond better to people we feel love and respect us. At the end of the day, that’s the most important thing you can do: love and respect your daughter. But the trick is to do it in a way so she feels it.

Raising our girls in today’s Google, YouTube, Internet Porn, MySpace world isn’t easy. But, here we are. We moms have to give it our best. Our daughters deserve it.

Teen Sexuality Needs a New Parenting Style

A report from the Guttmacher organization reveals what most  parents already know: our teens are in trouble! Contraception use is down  and the  pregnancy rate is rising. STDs are still a problem. What’s the answer?

A new style of parenting needs to emerge. Experts say there are three main styles of parenting: authoritarian, permissive, or authoritative. Authoritative parenting is the best style, where parents are open to their children and do not rule the roost with fear and shame. Authoritarian parents are the “It’s my way or the highway” type of parents while permissive parents are too lenient. But we need MORE than authoritative parenting.

In today’s fast changing world, we need parents who can keep up with the cultural changes and help their children grow up in the landscape. We need “Informed Compassionate” parenting.

Parents who are informed on the new changes and can explain the impact of cultural messages and internet and cell phone use have a better chance at helping their teen make better decisions. Parents who show compassion to their children are answering the big brain question that children ask every day: “Are you there for me?” When children receive a “yes” to that question, they are likely to have more self-respect and be able to show respect to others.  Mind you, the big brain question isn’t asked directly, but rather through behavior, and other questions posed at parents.

Teen sexuality is throbbing along as it always has. Nothing new about teens and the urge to merge. However, the way in which teens are acting out their sexuality is new. Gender roles are changing as girls become more sexually aggressive. Sexting is a potentially dangerous activity. Even dating looks different than it did a generation ago. Now teens hook up several times then have the “DTR” talk (determining the relationship). Sexual activity is starting at younger ages, and oral sex is the new way to say “hello.”

If we want to help our daughters grow up with out a lot of drama/trauma that will have a negative impact on their lives, we as parents must become informed and have a compassionate heart to better help our daughters grow up with self-respect  in a culture that is growing more and more disrespectful.

 Teen sexuality needs to be understood in the new cultural context and parents need to let their daughters know they are there for them. Your daughter needs you more than ever!