Hot House Parenting!MUST READ

In 2004 studies done by Marian Bakermans-Kranenburg changed the landscape of psychology. She wanted to change the behavior of  young children who acted out in ways that earmarked less than a successful future. And, she did. By changing the way their mother interacted with them.

The study turned certain ideas about genetic function and behavior on its head. Here’s what you need to know in layman’s terms. Your parenting can and does impact your daughter’s genetic make up. If she has a variant in her genes that put her at risk for depression, anxiety, ADHD etc, her environment can turn those genes ON. Here’s the good news. The studies done in 2004 show that kids with variant genes, IF TREATED WITH LOVE AND CARE, can not only avoid the negative behavior associated with their genetic make-up but ACT BETTER THAN children with “normal” genetic coding.

If that is hard to grasp, just ponder this please.

Your mothering is like the clay pot in which your daughter, a wonderful flower grows in. Your care, tending and love are the hothouse that is the safety from all the pollutants in the world that can harm her. You are her constant gardener.

If you parent with HOT HOUSE skills, meaning you learn to be curious, open, accepting, and loving, (what I call COAL)  your daughter will bloom and blossom in amazing ways. (Even if her genetics are not wired for “normal!)

Orchids need special care to grow. They need just the right soil, temps, water. They are not like dandelions that sprout up victorious through cracks in sidewalks. Think of your daughter as an orchid. Tend to her like you would a delicate flower whose blossom is intensely beautiful! Don’t expect her to be as tenacious as a dandelion. Tend to her, take good care of her like you would a wonderful hot house plant.

If you can be the hot house for your daughter, she will blossom.

Along the way, you have to also be the hot house for yourself, and learn to take good care of you, so you can take good care of her.

I wish you well as you tend to the garden of love that is your relationship with your daughter.

All best

Dr. Jenn

“Bexting” the New Teen Trend?

A high school in New Jersey reveals a new passtime for its students: “bexting:” placing bets with their bookies via a text message. Is online betting the new rage in schools across the nation? No word out yet that indicates it is, however, the New Jersey students were placing bets with kids in Florida.

Why the need to discuss this issue? First it is illegal, although authorities say that enforcement isn’t their top priority.

Second, the concern is that this type of betting, starting at a young age, will lead to a serious gambling addiction later in life. 

A state hot-line reported that last year it received over 400 calls from students under the age of 21. Their total amount of bets owed pushed $40,000.

What can a you do as a parent?

1. Calmly open the discussion with your teen about gambling. You may want to ask if they ever gamble, or do they know teens who do?  Find out what is true for you teen.

2. Keep the conversation open about respectful use of cell phones and other technology. The whole world is now available to your teen, make sure the two of you are talking about what they are encountering.

3. Use “COAL” as a guideline for having a conversation: Curiousness, Openness, Acceptance and Love. Use COAL to  create a relationship of trust so your teen can tell you the truth about their life.

Any questions? email me at jennifer@parentingteengirls.com

Teen Girls: COAL Burns The Brightest Relationships

Giving your daughter a lump of COAL this Christmas may be the best gift you ever give her! The acronym COAL stands for Curiosity, Openness, Acceptance and Love. It was coined by Dr. Dan Siegel to refer to a state of mind in the way you relate to you “inner child.” However, it is also a wonderful way to relate to your flesh and blood child!

When you listen to your daughter with a curious mind as to who she really is, or what she really wants you to know,  you will hear more of her truth. When you listen with an open heart that is not judgemental, you will build more trust in your relationship so she will feel she can share her truth.

When you listen with a sense of acceptance, and you don’t give unasked for advice, or tell her what she “should” do, or “should be,” you build a strong bridge between the two of you.

When you listen with love, you give your daughter your full attention, you don’t interrupt, or steal the conversation. You turn off all distractions and you give her what she needs in order to say what she wants and needs to say.

COAL is what will make your relationship burn bright, and warm for a lifetime.

I hope you’ll consider giving your daughter COAL for Christmas!

My newest book for mothers and mentors of teen girls will be available after the first of the year.

True Listening: The Essential Parenting Skill For Mothers* of Teen Girls. (*and Mentors!)  There are 52 short skills that teach you the art of True Listening with COAL in mind. You won’t have to learn all the skills,  even learning just a few will improve your relationship with your daughter. Added bonus: You will build a better relationship with yourself as well!

Happy Holidays to all the faiths. Let us each celebrate our own beliefs with open and grateful hearts this season.

All the best,

Dr. Jenn