Rap Earns a Bad Rap

A decade ago, when my daughter started listening to rap, I cringed. I didn’t believe in censorship, (forbidden fruit tastes so much sweeter!) but I didn’t like the lyrics she was listening to either. Hmmmm. What to do?

We talked OFTEN about what she was listening to, and the message behind the words. I wanted her to know that just because rappers were badmouthing women, didn’t mean that women were bad. But, not everyone got the memo.

Research now shows that listening to rap music increases sexist attitudes and misogyny. (Cobb, M. & Boettcher, W. (2008). Ambivalent sexism and misogynistic rap music: Does exposure to Eminem increase sexism? Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 37, 3025-3042.)

What to do if you are a parent of a teen? Keep the doors of communication OPEN. Keep talking about the messages in today’s society that puts girls (women) down as mere sexual playthings. Find out what your teen believes about girls, sex and violence against women.

Be brave enough to talk about the tough topics. Not sure how? My newest book, True Listening, The Essential Parenting Skill for Mothers of Teen Girls will be available in a few weeks. Write me if you want me to put aside a copy for you.

Our children are listening to messages that degrade women, ruin relationships, and inhibit optimum brain growth. It’s time we listen to our children and find out how they feel about living in a world that creates such negativity against women. The message against women is a negative statement about men as well. We all flounder on the sinking ship of sexism.

On your mark, get set… LISTEN~! Start a conversation with your teen TODAY! Hear what they have to say about rappers putting down women.

All the best

Dr. Jenn

P.S. My daughter is now 22, and listens to a wider array of music. Whew!

The Power of Dinner

 A 13 year old girl drowned. My 23 year old son John and his girlfriend Sarah, came over for dinner tonight to talk about it. We ate sitting on the floor at a short table that keeps everyone close and connected. The food was simple, the conversation was not. John and Sarah had been camping together over the weekend. The 13 year old girl, a stranger to them,  had stepped too far out into the river and got caught in a swift current which soon roared under a boulder. Sarah’s cousin grabbed her and pulled her away from a certain death. But minutes later, she was back in the dangerous area. John saw her and shouted for friends to grab her again. This time, they couldn’t hold on to her. She  was swept down the river and pinned under the boulder. Her parents screamed from the shoreline. It took a trained team hours to finally retrieve her body, the currents and rocks perilous for the workers John explained.

I sat and listened to them share the tragic tale.  I asked questions. I passed the food. We ate slowly. I listened some more. We talked about life, fate, God,  and choices. It didn’t matter that I am not Rachel Ray or Martha Stewart. What mattered was that we were sharing life’s basic elements, food, water, and our hearts. We eventually shoved the dishes aside and put my laptop on the table so they could show me pictures of the deadly river.  The table held more than our food, it held us together, cradling us as we helped each other bear the burden of the story.

The power of the dinner table has long been overlooked in our culture. Mom’s and dad’s are exhausted after a long day at work.  But the dinner table can be a soothing balm to the weary, a chance for each other to rest in the care of  those they love. Each can nurture the other. Our children need for us to hear them at the end of the day, and we need them to hear us too.  Dinner can be simple. But the conversation should be as complex as it needs to be.

If you have stopped having dinners together, do what you can to set aside a few nights a week to join each other at the table. Sit with open minds, open hearts, and relish the day you just lived. Share your truth and listen to the truth of others. No judgements, no unasked for advice given. Simply hold each other’s truth with respect. Put away the cell phones, and don’t look at the clock. Let the experience unfold as it needs to.

When John and Sarah were done with their story, I put the dishes in the sink. We sat on the couch, still not ready to leave the company of each other. When they did leave, I looked at the dishes in the sink. There will be time tomorrow to do them.  I wanted to simply sit and give thanks that my four children are still alive, and able to share simple meals and their truths with me.

My heart goes out to the family who lost their precious daughter.

I wish your family the peace and comfort dinner together can bring.

Dr. Jenn

Listen More, Talk Less Today.

There are four slices of the communication pie. Reading, writing, speaking and listening. Of the four we use listening the most, but we aren’t very good at it. We aren’t taught how to do it. In schools they teach the other three skills. Listening gets overlooked. Oh sure, maybe a teacher read a story to you and then asked how many cows you heard her talk about. Something silly like that. That’s more memorizing than listening.

Listening is an exquisite act of love and respect. It helps both speaker and listener transform their lives when it is done correctly.  Like any skill, it takes practice.

Listening skills that help people feel loved, heard, understood and respected start with the simple act of talking less and listening more. When you listen, don’t interrupt, make the other person wrong, get angry, or give unasked for advice. Don’t exchange a similar story and hijack the conversation. Keep your focus on the speaker. Open your heart and your ears and listen for the need that is being communicated. Almost every time we speak, we communicate a need of some kind. But often it is hidden in our words.

When you learn to listen to your teen daughter she will learn to trust you more and begin to tell you who she really is. Isn’t that what we want from our close relationships? We want others to know us, and for us to know them. Listening is the fastest way to achieve that.

Today, talk less, listen more. Ask questions. Be curious about who your daughter really is. Put your tongue on the roof of your mouth and keep it there so you aren’t tempted to start talking too much.

No nagging. No unasked for advice. No interrupting. Just listen. You’ll be amazed at how much your daughter appreciates it. And guess what? As you model listening skills for her, she will be more apt to listen to you in the future.

Let me know how it goes.

For more help with learning to listen, email me. I have 52 listening skills I can teach you.

All best,
Dr. Jenn

My 13 Year Old Is a Nightmare!

Dear Dr. Jenn,

My 13 year old is a nightmare. She is mouthy, mean, and won’t follow the rules my husband and I have laid down. She used to like me, now she let’s me know everyday I am  “annoying” and hates me. I am beginning to hate her to. What do I do? Read more

The Double “Owie!”

I can remember clearly sitting down with my mother when I was teenager and sharing with her an emotional “owie” I had about my life. My mom immediately wanted to help. Like most moms, she didn’t want me to hurt. So, she jumped in and told me all the reasons I shouldn’t feel the way I did. I know she was doing her best to comfort and care for me, but I walked away with not just the original “owie” but with two hurts. I STILL felt badly about my first problem, and layered on that was another problem: my mother had made me feel stupid or wrong for having my feelings in the first place.

Many of us mothers are “guilty” of creating two “owies.” We don’t know how to listen to our daughters ( or anyone else for that matter) and let them own their truth. We try our best to talk others out of their truth. It is very disrespectful to do that.

Recently my best friend who is a very accomplished woman, told me that she sometimes thinks about swimming out to sea when things in her life become overwhelming. I was shocked to hear her talk in such a manner! To me, she has an amazing life. How could she even for one second, think of ending it? I wanted to jump in and run down the laundry list of all she has done in her life, to show her how valuable she is. However, I know that she didn’t want or need that. What she wanted was for someone to “get” her. Someone to hear her. Someone to listen closely enough to feel her pain, to reach out and let her know her emotional despair was understood. So, I listened. I held her. I let her cry. I never once told her that her feelings were invalid or wrong. I just sat and listened. She hugged me before she left and told me she felt better. No one had listened to her in a long time.

When is the last time you listened to your daughter?  REALLY listened to? When was the last time you asked her who she is, or how she feels and then hold her answers with trust and respect?  How often do you rush in and without knowing it, belittle her for her emotions? It is easy to do.

I hope you will begin to notice when you have stopped listening to your daughter’s truth and have started trying to change her feelings. She doesn’t need that. She just needs you to listen and love her for who she is in that very moment.

Don’t let your daughter walk away with a double “owie.” Listen to her first one, and thank her for trusting you enough to tell you who she really is. That is enough for her to begin healing her “owie.”