The Secret Power of Parents

Parents often tell me the feel powerless in today’s new world to be a positive influence on their daughters. I understand their dismay. The world is such a new place with all the technological and cultural changes. However, your daughter still needs you, even though she may act like she could care less about you except for your carpooling, laundry, cooking, cleaning and ATM skills. What parents forget is that they have a secret power that they can use to build a better relationship with their daughter. That power? It’s the power of Love. Corny? You bet. Scientifically proven! You betcha!

What we know about neuroscience and Interpersonal Biology, (which means how relationships affect our brains for good or for bad) is that our daughter’s brains are “asking” us if we are there for her. It’s what Interpersonal Neurobiologists call “The Big Brain Question.” When you answer your daughter’s BBQ with a “Yes!”  she feels  accepted, understood, “gotten,” heard etc. In a nutshell she feels loved. Brain scans show us that humans who have love and support in their lives have more optimum brain growth. Not only that, they grow “better” hearts.

Some scientists believe that our hearts are more than mere pumps. They report that the heart has neurons just like the brain has. In fact, some believe the heart has it’s own “brain,” or source of intelligence. The heart actually has far more electromagnetic energy than the brain!  So, the power of your love, your ability to listen to your daughter’s “Big Brain Question” and answer with a “Yes!” will help your daughters emotional and intellectual growth!

Mind you, your daughter won’t ask the Big Brain Question out loud. She will ask it through her behavior and her conversation. You’ll have to listen carefully for it. That’s why I am teaching Big Brain Listening Skill for parents at my new Scarsdale office.  I’ll be video taping them soon, so those of you who can’t make it to New York can buy them and learn at home.

You have tremendous power as a parent. Your love, patience, understanding, support, nurturing and being there emotionally for your daughter helps her grow up in healthy, happy ways. I know it’s a wild world out there. But don’t discount how much you are giving your daughter when you simply love her in a way so she feels it, she gets it and she trusts it!

All best

Dr. Jenn

CPA…It’s Effect on the Human Brain

A recent study suggests that the way we use our brains when we look for information on a computer screen or cell phone screen is eroding our hardwired neuronal ability to recognize facial expressions in others. Researchers call the way we use our brains to scan for information on a screen, CPA, or Continuous Partial Attention. That’s not a good thing because facial recognition is the basis for empathy for one another. When we see another person’s expression, neurons called “Mirror Neurons” fire and we have a sense of what another person is feeling. Mirror Neurons  can help us retain our humanity.

The technology created to connect us on one level may be disconnecting us on another.

With headline news about teen violence, pregnancy rate, crime and suicide on the rise, one has to stop and wonder what’s going on with our teens. And it’s not just our teens. Educators say that they are seeing an enormous increase in children in kindergarten with less executive functioning than in previous years. That means the children have shorter attention spans, and less self-control among other things.

When Ford built the first car it was an amazing new way for people to travel faster and farther. But it wasn’t until the car had been around for years that people began to put rules about safety into place. I can’t help but wonder if we will one day have “text ed” for teens, much like drivers ed. At some point people realized people needed to be a certain age and trained to drive a car. It would serve our teens well to learn how to use technology respectfully. It would also do them well to have more face to face time.

Stats recently published claim one billion seconds a day are logged in on Facebook alone.

Our teens are digital natives. They have never known life without the technology that is new to most parents. We are still finding our way and understanding it’s impact on our world.

The teen brain already misreads facial expressions about 50% of the time because their brains haven’t fully matured. Teens make decisions with their limbic region of the brain. That’s the fight or flight area responsible for survival. Their prefrontal cortex, the CEO of the brain so to speak, doesn’t mature until the late twenties. Add that to the research suggesting that our technology use is eroding hardwired abilities to recognize expressions and it adds up to something we all need to pay attention to.

Parents can help their teens by engaging them in other activities besides texting, Youtube and other tech uses. Don’t let the computer or cell phone be your teens “babysitter.” Find ways to engage, play, laugh and be a healthy, happy family. Those things actually help the brain mature in an optimal way.

All best,

Dr. Jenn

Pregnant Teen Covergirl Sends Wrong Message

Jourdan Dunn, one of the teen models on the cover of Teen Vogue reveals she is pregnant in the article inside the magazine. Although she is not visibly pregnant on the cover, one has to wonder why Teen Vogue would use her image. Not to say we need to punish pregnant teen girls, but we certainly need to do all we can to make sure that teen girls don’t get the message that teen  pregnancy is glamorous!

I hope that mothers use the issue as a way to talk openly, honestly, and calmly, about teen sexuality and pregnancy.

Now is a good time to practice your “Detective Listening Skills!” Ask your daughter questions about her views on  teen sex and pregnancy. Stay neutral. Don’t interrupt. Don’t give unasked for advice. Do let her know you respect what she is saying, even if you disagree with it. Do let her know you are there for her!

Every human being is hardwired to “ask”  a question scientists call “The Big Brain Question.”  That question is “Are you there for me?” When we get a “Yes!” for an answer, our brains develop in healthy ways. When we hear a “No!”  too often, our brains can’t grow in optimal ways. That means we won’t have the resources needed to create healthy, happy lives. “Detective Listening” is one of the BEST ways  you can answer your daughter’s “Big Brain Question!” with a “Yes!”  Teen girls who have their “Big Brain Question” answered with “Yes!” from their mothers are more likely to avoid having sex too young.

For more on “Detective Listening Skills” email me. I’m happy to pass on the essential skills you need to become a better listener, and in so doing, become a much more effective parent.

Today’s world calls for new parenting skills. Detective Listening is right at the top!

All best,
Dr. Jenn

email:jennifer@parentingteengirls.com

Phone  914 574 5617

ParentingTeen Girls Made Simple

Parenting teen girls has never been harder. Today’s world if full of outside influences you have no control over. Text messages, Facebook, the Internet, YouTube…the list goes on and on. The old rules of parenting are obsolete in today’s new world. Parent’s are often overwhelmed and feel under-skilled.

There is help. What if once a month you received a new parenting teen girl skill in your inbox? You’d start to learn the new skills needed to help navigate your daughter safely into adulthood. That help exists at http://www.honorthegirl.me   The site is getting a complete make over soon, same great content plus more and a whole new look and feel to match our mission/message to honor the girl the better the world.

Honor the Girl is growing. In addition to the membership parenting information, Honor the Girl is working with some big organizations to help moms across the nation. Stay tuned for all the details. I’m unveiling the first Honor the Girl consumer product for inner beauty after the first of the year. I’m so excited about this new innovative product that I have my team working overtime to get it on the shelves so you can begin to polish your inner beauty until you glow from within and even  light up others around you for the better.

Honor the Girl to Better the World. ™  That’s what we are doing here. Hope you will join us!
All best,

Dr. Jenn

Let Go to Hold On

I am packing to move from San Francisco to New York. I already downsized when my four children scampered off to college. Now I’m letting go. It’s liberating. I think of all the things I held onto over the years as a mother. All the worries, all the self-doubt, all the fears that I would somehow “let down” my children. Most mothers I talk to tell me they feel similar feelings. They feel the need to be “perfect” and to make life “perfect” for their daughters. 

The simple truth is all you have to do to be a great mother is to answer your daughter’s big brain question with a Yes! That question is simply, “Are you there for me?” When mothers let go of their anxiety, worries, fears and all the negative thoughts and emotions that tag along, they can better answer their daughters with a resounding “Yes!” When you let go of all the negative self chatter in your brain, and the preconceived ideas about who your daughter “should” be, and allow her to find her own truth with you by her side, you will discover the very marrow of life. For it is in creating the rich, loving relationships with our children that life finds it truest song, and sings to us in harmony. When we let go, we hold on to the best and brightest life has in store for us. Motherhood, in my humble opinion, is the divine made visible.

How do you let go to hold on? It’s not always easy. That’s why I have started the Honor the Girl Movement. You can check it out at www.honorthegirl.me. I am doing my best to help mothers in today’s ever changing world. If you can let go of your ideas about who your daughter should be, and begin to discover who she really is, you’ll tap into a relationship that will sustain you for the rest of your life. That’s how you hold on.  You let go. Of lots of things. That’s where it all starts.

The act of creation is first the act of destruction. What do you need to “destruct” in order to create an amazing relationship with your daughter? What’s the first thing you need to let go of?

I’m here if you need  me,

All best

Dr. Jenn

Listen More, Talk Less Today.

There are four slices of the communication pie. Reading, writing, speaking and listening. Of the four we use listening the most, but we aren’t very good at it. We aren’t taught how to do it. In schools they teach the other three skills. Listening gets overlooked. Oh sure, maybe a teacher read a story to you and then asked how many cows you heard her talk about. Something silly like that. That’s more memorizing than listening.

Listening is an exquisite act of love and respect. It helps both speaker and listener transform their lives when it is done correctly.  Like any skill, it takes practice.

Listening skills that help people feel loved, heard, understood and respected start with the simple act of talking less and listening more. When you listen, don’t interrupt, make the other person wrong, get angry, or give unasked for advice. Don’t exchange a similar story and hijack the conversation. Keep your focus on the speaker. Open your heart and your ears and listen for the need that is being communicated. Almost every time we speak, we communicate a need of some kind. But often it is hidden in our words.

When you learn to listen to your teen daughter she will learn to trust you more and begin to tell you who she really is. Isn’t that what we want from our close relationships? We want others to know us, and for us to know them. Listening is the fastest way to achieve that.

Today, talk less, listen more. Ask questions. Be curious about who your daughter really is. Put your tongue on the roof of your mouth and keep it there so you aren’t tempted to start talking too much.

No nagging. No unasked for advice. No interrupting. Just listen. You’ll be amazed at how much your daughter appreciates it. And guess what? As you model listening skills for her, she will be more apt to listen to you in the future.

Let me know how it goes.

For more help with learning to listen, email me. I have 52 listening skills I can teach you.

All best,
Dr. Jenn

Celeb Deaths & Your Daughter

First the news came in about Farrah’s death. A few hours later Micheal died. A few days later, Billy died.  Twitter, Facebook and Google were flooded with people wanting to know details, and to mourn.

Your teen daughter may be to young to have adored Farrah or Michael, and she may not have been a fan of Billy’s product pushing. But she is aware that this has been “death week.” Add the grisly death (and video) of Neda in Iran last week, and teens may be struggling to make sense of the world. I’ve been reading notes from teens who are at a loss as to how to cope, especially those teens who have recently lost a friend or loved one.

Parents need to understand their daughters may need help in making sense of and coping with the recent deaths. Here are a few tips to help:

1. Ask your daughter how she feels about the news of the deaths. Let her speak her truth. Do not diminish her feelings by telling her they are silly or uncalled for. All of us are allowed our feelings!

2. Ask how you can help. If she doesn’t know, make a few suggestions. Does she want to draw a picture of the person she is mourning? Will going to a fan page and leaving a comment help? Will spending an afternoon with you her help?  Perhaps she just needs to be reassured that you aren’t going to drop dead anytime soon. Let her know you love her and you are there for her.

3. Appreciate that she may not understand death fully. Even mid-teens don’t grasp fully that they will one day die. Talking about death can be hard for them because they are still trying to understand it. Listen to your daughter’s beliefs about death and honor where she is at.

4. Understand that black humor is a coping mechanism. Michael Jackson jokes are already hitting the ethernet. Some are terribly cruel. If you hear your daughter sharing mean jokes, you can use that as a launching pad to talk about how people cope with death, and how information is shared with others. The trick is to be helpfull, not to lecture or punish.

5. If your teen is spending too much time on the computer reading and watching everything she can about a dead celeb, it’s time to help her unplug and get her involved in real life again.

6. Be aware of your own feelings about death and the death of the celebs this week. Many adults Michael and Farrah’s age find it hard to deal with their loss. Take time to do your own grieving, and coping with the thoughts of your own mortality.

Bottom line: be aware of your daughter’s feelings, be supportive and on the look out for any behavior that would indicate she’s having a tough time. If your daughter has been battling depression or anxiety or any other psychological problem, the recent headlines can add to her challenges.

HEADS UP: Although none of the celebs killed themselves (at least none of the news to date indicates that) a teen contemplating suicide might  try to act out on those thoughts when she is confronted with so much information on death.

It’s been a rough week. Hug your daughter. Let her know you love her. And gives thanks for one more day on the planet. It’s a gift most of us take for granted.

All best

Dr. Jenn

Dr. Jenn for Psychology Today!

I wrote an article every parent of a teenager needs to read. Topic: male virginity. Even if you only have a harem of girls, this topic touches your life. Please take a moment to read. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog

All best

Dr. Jenn

Don’t Get a Divorce!

Raising teens can put a strain on a relationship in ways we don’t think about. Mom’s are often going through their own hormonal shifts as their daughters ride the estrogen roller coaster. Mom’s are beginning to see gray hairs, wrinkles and feel a glimmer of “OMG! I’m turning into my….MOTHER!” while their perky daughter attract guys like bees to the blossoms. It’s a part of parenting we rarely talk about, but hey, IT’S THERE! Dad’s have their own emotional  hoops to jump through as young men begin courting their daughters. Dad’s realize they aren’t the strapping young bucks they used to be. Add these emotional blips to differences in parenting styles, years of being together and perhaps a stale relationship and you’ve got breeding grounds for one of you saying, “I want out!” I beg you to reconsider.

Your daughter needs you now. The teen years are really tough. If you divorce she has that trauma to deal with. I urge you to seek counseling to see if you can save your marriage. If you understand some of the dynamics going on, you might have a chance to breathe life back into your relationship. Remember you once loved your spouse enough to marry them. What needs to change in order for you to find that spark again?

The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence. Sure, there are a million people on Match. com but blending a family at mid-life isn’t easy. It may be harder than flaming the flames back into your marriage.

Of course, if your marriage is abusive, you may need to exit. I’m just saying, don’t let the mid years of your life, juxtaposed next to the youth of your daughter’s life, get in the way of working on salvaging your marriage.

I have taken enormous pride in my work and sacrifice as a mother to my four children.  I have made many mistakes, as we all have. I regret deeply not being able to salvage my own marriage so many years ago. This is one time when I ask you to do as I say, not do as I did!

Need to talk about your relationship? I’m a great listener.

Hang in there. Get counseling. Get more if the it doesn’t work right away. Keep talking, listening and loving each other as best as you can. 

Dr. Jenn

Teens and Money

Martin Hurlburt

Your story is wanted for my new book

“The Advice Collection for Parents:

77 Tips About Money, Life and Succes

How do you teach your children about money, life and success in an age appropriate way? What is the best lesson your parents taught you?

Read sample stories or submit one of your own at www.TheAdviceCollection.com.

Together we can change a generation, one story at a time. Please tell other parents about the site!

Tip 1

More work equals more money.

When I was a teenager, my step dad put a chart on the wall. On it he had broken down all the household chores and attached a dollar value to each one. Whoever did the chore, put their initials by it and at the end of the week he tallied up our “payday.” My youngest sister, for the first time in her life, discovered the joy of housework and the joy of earning her own money. She regularly out-performed her two older sisters and always got the biggest payday.  Submitted by Toni Graybill

It’s your money. It’s your future. TAKE CHARGE!

Martin Hurlburt is a speaker, author and financial advisor. He is writing a new book to help parents teach their kids important lessons about money, life and success. To read sample stories or submit one of your own, visit www.TheAdviceCollection.com. The best submission will win $150! Together, we can change a generation, one story at a time. Please tell other parents about the site!

Tip 2

The Clothing Budget

Age 12 for girls is a magical age.  It’s the age when they discover “The Mall.”  This was especially challenging in my house. My husband and I were married in the spring of 2007.  We have a blended family of three girls ages 11, 12, and 13.   We have noticed that all three girls want to spend all of their extra time at “The Mall,” which must seem like heaven to them.  I remember being mesmerized by the vastness of the shopping mall in southern California when I was 12.

When school released for the summer in late May, 2007, our oldest daughter came to me and asked me when I was taking her summer clothes shopping at the mall?  She insisted that this activity needed to happen immediately because her best friend’s mother had just bought her over $300 worth of summer clothes.  My daughter desperately indicated to me that she had no shorts to wear.

I went to my husband with this dilemma.    What should we do as a newly married couple with three girls frequently asking for new clothes each season?   After discussing the problem at length, we decided to go to Wal-Mart and price what it would take to clothe a teenage daughter for an entire year, including shoes, socks, undergarments, coats, etc.   A year’s worth of clothing added up to almost $600.   This figure seemed reasonable and logical.  So, we came up with the plan:  The Clothing Budget. 

Beginning June 1 and December 26, each person in our family is allocated $300 to spend on clothes, shoes, coats, etc.   Therefore, in a given year, each person, including parents, have $600 to spend on clothes.  Each time clothes are purchased the receipt is recorded in an excel spreadsheet to keep track of who spent clothing budget money, which store, and the amount.  Each month family members are alerted to how much they have spent so far and how much is remaining.    As an incentive to budget soundly, if someone does not spend all of their money by November 1 or May 1 (one month before the period ends), that person receives the remaining balance in cash.   

Basic rules include:

• Parents have the right to veto any purchase they deem extravagant.
• Purchases can be made at any store or on the internet so long as the budget does not exceed $300 for each 6-month period.
• If a child runs out of clothing budget money before the end of the period and needs clothes, then the parents will take control of the child’s clothing budget for the next period and all purchases will be made at Wal-Mart.
• Jewelry, hats, purses, and accessories are not part of the clothing budget.  Those purchases must be made from the child’s personal money.

Advantages:

• Children have control of their clothing budget money and experience first-hand how purchases quickly add-up.
• Children learn to budget the monies allocated to them.
• Family members shop year-round, not just at the beginning of season, school year, birthday, or Christmas.
• Incentives are given to spend wisely.    Any excess monies are given to the family member in cash 1-month before the period ends.
• Parents must adhere to the same program as the children.  Children perceive that all family members are treated equally.
• Encourages wise spending of finite resources.

Amazingly, our oldest daughter never did buy herself any shorts or summer clothes the first summer we started “The Clothing Budget.”  Our children now shop wisely, purchase items on sale, have more clothes than they need, and always have fun every time they go to the mall.  Two years later, 2009, the clothing budget is a big success in our family; no one wants it changed.  Best of all, there is no quarreling about new clothes — when to buy them and how much to spend. Submitted by Carey Sue White

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