Notes From A Nurse

Here’s an interesting read from the files of school nurses and what they encounter with our teens. Won’t spoil the details by writing them here, so jump over and take a look, it’s worth it. Click here, to get there. 

What I will share about the article is it shows how emotionally upset our teens are living in todays world. No solutions are offered, but it’s a good look at reality, especially for parents who feel safer staying in denial.

That’s part of the roadblock that stops our teens from getting the help they need. Some parents don’t want to acknowledge there is a problem! I know it’s scary to look at how crazy things are getting, but that’s why we are all here, right?  We are going to work together to raise our teen girls. We are all doing our best, and we are going to share our best with each other. I encourage you to sign up in the forum and post your questions, or thoughts.

As promised, I’m working on getting a report out that gives you more parenting tools.  I’m also lining up parenting classes (real and virtual) and Dr. Jenn PJ Parties for teen girls. I’ll keep you posted.

Wishing you a fabulous Friday!

Dr. Jenn

Money Talks, Sex Takes a Walk

Word on the street is that mothers are talking to daughters about money more than they are  talking about the birds and the bees (or cultural challenges). Seems the tanked economy is front and center in most people’s minds. Mother’s know all to well, the real issues their daughters will face  concerning money when they are adults.

Women and children are the fastest growing population of  the homeless. Poverty still affects more women than men. Men still earn more money than women. Divorced women lose income, husbands usually recover and go on to make more money. Those are reasons  enough that moms need to talk to their daughter’s about money.

Money is energy. It flows in and out of our lives. Money is power. Most men know that. But your teen daughter reads magazines, watches movies and music videos and listens to lyrics that teach her that “sexy” is her ultimate power. What are we teaching our sons that makes them want to be the CEO of a corporation and our daughters want to be Miss USA? I know that’s a broad stroke, but you get my point.

As more mom’s become money savvy, more daughters will get the right message. Start teaching your daughter about earning, saving and investing. Talk with her about her feelings about money. Does she understand it’s value? Is she afaid of it? Most parents know the value of the “birds and the bees” talk. Now, it’s vital to have “the money” talk. It’s never to early to start teaching your daughter about earning and investing.

I recently heard from some amazing experts about teens and money. When www.parentingteengirls.com goes live in a few days, I’ll have links to them for you.

For now, ask your daughter how she feels about money. In fact, ask yourself how you feel about money. Grab your journal and add a new entry. Write down the first time you can remember having your own money, what you spent it on and who taught you about money? What’s your relationship with money? Chances are whatever it is, you’ll pass that down to your daughter, for better or for worse.

Want a creative way to save money? Check out one of my favorite websites for stoking up the imagination. If you surf over to it, check out BioColor while you are there, one of the most amazing PLAY tools for teens. (email me for all the secrets about it!)

More coming from money experts.  Stay tuned.

Sexuality, the New Swap Meet

Raising a teen daughter has never been easy. Now, with part-time lesbianism on the rise, parenting has gotten even harder. With lyrics from Katy Perry proclaiming to have kissed a girl and liked it, the taste of her cherry Chapstick… and a host of girl celebs now joining the ranks of girl on girl relationships, it  makes teen girls curious as to what they are missing out on. Swapping sexuality is becoming as common as swap meets for ski equipment, and seemingly just as acceptable in some circles.

London heads up one of the more lively spots to be a dyke for a day with no angst. Jasmine Gardner did a great job reporting the new trend of “Baby Dykes.” Read more here.   It seems it’s more acceptable for girls to now be “LUGS,” translation: lesbians until graduation, when they want to begin thinking of settling down with a guy in the traditional manner. 

It used to be the cool accessory was the latest designer hand bag. Now it’s holding hands with your girlfriend and meaning it, at least for a little while.

What can moms do if their daughter decides to play for the other team ? Same answer I give for most things teen girls do, don’t freak out!

1. The teen years are a time when exploration takes place. Our culture now encourages more sexual exploration whether it be with the opposite or the same gender. Moms need to begin talking to their daughters about sexuality long before girls begin exploring. Your daughter is going to hear the music, watch the movies or music videos that promote girl on girl exploration, so get a jump on the cultural messages with messages you want to promote. Otherwise, your daughter will be learning about sex from her Ipod, Internet or TV. None very accurate teachers.

2. Don’t shut the door on your daughter or her relationships. Alienating your daughter at a time she needs you the most is harmful to her psychologically, emotionally and spiritually. She needs you to be there for her. You don’t have to agree with her choices in life, but you do have to be available for her.

3. Some of the same sex exploration will be just be playing in the new cultural sandbox and some will be serious. Some of our daughters are lesbians, and they may know it already. Be supportive. Homosexuality isn’t a disease. It’s not a choice. It’s the way some people are hardwired. Would you turn your back on your daughter if she was diagnosed with MS? Don’t turn your back on her if she comes out that she’s a lesbian.

4. Keep the conversation alive about the cultural messages your daughter hears. Create a MySpace profile and surf around profiles. Listen to the songs on the profiles pages. Create an Itunes account and listen to the newest releases. Know what your daughter is listening to so you can talk to her about the lyrics. Tricky part is to talk about them in a way that fosters an open exchange, not a lecture from you. Careful there!

5. Be ready to hear your daughter’s confusion over some of the new cultural trends. If she has hooked up with a girl, and is now feeling out of sorts about it, be there to listen. Emotional trauma can happen from any type of sexual encounter. Be someone your daughter can confide in and get help healing her wounds. 

 As girls hook up with girls, and clothing styles creep towards more edgy masculine lines, it’s harder for our teen girls to deal with their budding sexuality. Traditional has gone out the window. With fewer guidelines, life gets more complicated.  The sexual swap meet may be more accepted, but the confusion over love, romance and the meaning of it all, will surely have some girls reeling. Hunch is we’ll see more Facebook  relationship status listed as “It’s Complicated,” because it is!

Teen Tamer? Not!!

I’ve been told I’m a “Teen Tamer.”  I laugh at that idea. Teen girls don’t need taming as much as they need loving and understanding. I do both Read more

The Teen Kitten Killer:How to Talk About It

Facebook friends have been linking to a news report about a 17 year old girl who tossed her ex rommie’s kitten in the oven then took off so she didn’t have to listen to its cries as it burned to death. It’s a gut wrenching story to read. I admit, I reached for the tissue box more than once.

 That’s the problem. News stories can deelpy affect us and often we have no outlet for our emotions. With gory stories, pictures and videos a Google search or RSS feed away, Mom’s need to be prepared to help their daughter’s deal with the stress these stories and images produce.

For those of you brave enough to read what your daughter may have already read about the teen kitten killer,  go here: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/ny_crime/2009/06/05/2009-06-05_evil_teen_who_tossed_cat_in_the_oven.html
If you don’t want to read about it, I don’t blame you. But, remember, your daughter may have read it.

Here are things to do to help your daughter deal with traumatic news:

1. First you have to know she’s read or witnessed something disturbing. This means you need to keep the doors of communication open. If you don’t have a close relationship with your daughter, chances are she’ll pass on telling you things that are affecting her.  Start learning today, how to build a close, loving relationship. Need help? I’m preparing a free report ready July 4rth. Details in future posts.

2. Be Non-judgemental and supportive. Talk to your daughter about what’s going on in her world and her friend’s world. Don’t ever react with negative put downs, or judgements about her or her friends. Listen with an open heart and mind.  Thank your daughter for trusting you enough to share with you her thoughts and feelings. Never tell your daughter “You shouldn’t feel that way.” Everyone has a right to their own feelings.

3. Google top news stories or check a Twitter feed from time to time. Let her know that “If it Bleeds it Leads” is the common rule of thumb for reporting. As horrifying as the teen kitten killer story is, there are hundreds more stories of teens rescuing animals, and doing good in the world. It’s easy for a teen to feel overwhelmed and think the world is only a negative place. Find out if she is saturated with only bad news.

4. Share your reactions to bad news but keep in mind your teen isn’t fully grown up yet. Keep your thoughts on a level that she understands and can cope with. Use traumatic stories like the kitten killer story to have a discussion about what makes people do horrible things, how people can forgive, etc.  A few girls asked me how the teen involved in the story could have done what she did. They were honest questions that need honest answers.

5. Be prepared for your daughter to express a variety of feelings that may change over the course of time. We all process events in our own way, and on our own timeline. Never tell your daughter her process or feelings are wrong. If she is showing unusual signs of grief or trauma, call a counselor.

6. Watch for copy cat actions. I hope that other teen girls don’t toss a kitten into an oven. But copy catting happens. We know when teens read about suicide, or know someone who has committed suicide, they are more apt to try it themselves. Ask if your daughter feels she could ever do what she read or saw, especially if the news is about suicide.  Or, if she is old enough to think this question through,  ask how she might avoid having the feelings that would lead to horrific actions. That’s an amazing conversation starter that can take the two of you on quite a journey if you are willing.

As always, stay informed and involved with your daughter. Know that our teens are bombarded by information we have no control over. Be there for your daughter in every way you can be.

Parenting Teens

I had a discussion today with a father of two 20 something daughters. He felt that parenting teens today doesn’t seem to be a big deal. He didn’t seem to see that the changes in technology and the sexually saturated culture make it harder for parents. In fact, he felt Read more

I keep Telling Her!

Recently, a lot of my mail has been from moms who have shared that they have “told their daughter…” whatever the topic was about.. and the daughter is still, gasp, making the wrong choices/decisions, Dr. Jenn HOW COULD SHE?? Read more