Teen Tamer? Not!!

I’ve been told I’m a “Teen Tamer.”  I laugh at that idea. Teen girls don’t need taming as much as they need loving and understanding. I do both Read more

Heartbroken!

Has your daughter experienced her first “crush,” only to be crushed emotionally when the relationship fell apart? It’s challenging to know what to tell your daughter when her heart is broken. You know that a new boy will one day appear and things will be suddenly brighter. But your daughter feels as if her life is over.

Here are some things you can do to help your daughter mend her broken heart.

First, you have to know that she has a broken heart. Some girls don’t tell their moms how hurt they are. Watch for signs of depression or anxiety. Is she texting her friends more than usual? Usually you’ll see some signs that something is wrong.

Don’t jump in with advice or platitudes. Your daughter doesn’t want to hear that there are more fish in the sea. They don’t need to hear that you thought her boyfriend wasn’t good enough for her. She cared about him and now he is gone. At the moment she can’t see herself with another boy and she doesn’t want to hear you put her guy down.

Ask caring questions such as, “How can I help?” “What do you need  to feel better?” “May I just sit and hold the space for you to talk about it while I listen?” Remember your daughter is going through a huge emotional upheaval. Now is NOT the time to nag about dirty clothes on the floor or other small things that can be put off to a later time.  Cut her some slack. Breaking up with a crush or a boyfriend is hard! It hurts!

Watch for signs that your daughter may be self medicating her pain away. Alcohol and drug use can begin or increase during times of emotional stress. Encourage her to move her body. Exercise, dance, run, walking, whatever she likes to do will be more effective than drugs or alcohol to calm down her emotions and raise her spirits.

Validate her feelings. If she says she is devastated, don’t try to diminish her reality. Take her words at face value. It is hurtful to tell someone they shouldn’t feel the way they do!  Listen carefully to her.

A beautiful quote found on the internet by an anonymous teen sums up what your daughter needs from you at during a break up.

“When I ask you to listen, and you start giving advice, you have not done what I have asked.

When I ask you to listen, and you start telling me why I shouldn’t feel the way I do, you are invalidating my feelings.

When I ask you to listen, and you start trying to solve my problems, I feel underestimated and disempowered.

When I ask you to listen, and you start telling me what I need to do, I feel offended, pressured and controlled.

When I ask you to listen, it does not mean I am helpless. I may be faltering, depressed, or discouraged, but I am not helpless.

When I ask you to listen, and you do things that I can and need to do for myself, you hurt my self-esteem.

But when you accept the way I feel, then I don’t need to spend time and energy trying to defend myself or convince you, and I can focus on figuring out why I feel the way I feel and what to do about it. And when I do that, I don’t need advice; just support, trust, and encouragement.

Please remember that what you think are my irrational feelings always makes sense if you take the time to listen and understand me”

Your daughter’s heart is broken. Be there for her to help her put the pieces back together.

She needs you. Even if she doesn’t say so. She needs you.

Parenting Teens in Today’s World

It’s hard these days to be a parent of a teen. News headlines reveal more and more of the dark underbelly of the teen years. Parents often feel frustrated, angry or helpless in when it comes to their teen daughters. But life with a teen doesn’t have to be so hard. In fact, the teen years can be a time of joy, celebrating the journey of your child into the adult years. Here’s how to make the teen years less turbulent.

Understand that the teen brain is quite different from an adult’s brain. Teen’s don’t have a fully grown prefrontal region. (It won’t be fully formed until the late twenties.) That means teens don’t have all the neural real estate needed to make good decisions about their actions, or to plan for the future. Teens live more in the moment and make many decisions from their limbic system. The limbic system is responsible for defending , feeding  and sexual impulses. You can see why that may not be the best source for decision making.

Bring humor and play into your relationship. Just because your teen looks like a miniature adult, that does not mean they are. Teens still need a healthy dose of play, and humor in their lives. Most parents make the mistake of ignoring their teens need to play. Instead, academic performance and behavioral issues take center stage. Old fashioned imaginative play still works magic to bring parents and teen closer. Don’t know how to begin playing again? Start with an old-fashioned treasure hunt. If you don’t know how to hold a treasure hunt, email me. I’ll send the instructions right away. It’s easy, cheap and teens love them.

Learn the 4L’s of parenting. Look, Listen, Learn and Love. Your teen’s brain is hardwired to ask what neuroscientists call “The big brain question.” Every day, your teen asks, in one way or another, “Are you there for me?” The way to always answer “Yes!” is to apply the 4L’s.

Look: observe your teen’s behavior. Listen: hear what her actions and words are saying. Learn: what does her actions or words tell you that she needs emotionally? Love: take care of her needs as quickly and as possible and positively.  Relationships built on the 4L’s are generally respectful, honest and less drama filled.

Learn to be a Transformational Listener. Listening is an art. Most people don’t do it very well. We interrupt, give unasked for advice, make others wrong, or impose our truth on them, just for starters. True listening that helps others transform their lives, and helps us transforms ourselves as well, begins with putting yourself in the speaker’s shoes and understanding what they are feeling. Listening means we empty ourselves of our own agenda and tightly held ideas about “truth” and embrace others truth. Listening means we respect the humanity of whoever is talking, and we encourage them to speak what needs to be spoken. When your teen trusts you enough to tell you who they really are, you are well on your way to an amazing life long relationship built on honesty and respect.

If the turbulent teen years have you in a tizzy, don’t hesitate to contact me. I’ll do my best to practice transformational listening so that your brain (and heart)  understands that someone is here for you.

The Power of a Crayon

Remember the smell when you opened a fresh box of crayons? And the crayons all lined up with their perfect points and beautiful colors?  It took me a long time to pick which one I wanted to use first. There was power in crayons. They gave me the chance to draw and create whatever my imagination wanted.

Now, there is still power in crayons. I keep them around and pull them out whenever one of my children (or clients) is stuck on a problem. I put out butcher paper for them to  mind map, draw pictures, write down questions, doodle etc. until they feel better. Something about a crayon takes you back to that place of innocence from childhood and makes finding answers easier.

I also keep a bowl of wax crayons in my bathroom. I use them to write notes on the mirror or the shower wall. (Lots of brilliant idea’s pop into my head just as the shampoo suds is sliding down my face!) When my children visit from college, they often leave me sweet messages written on the mirror. I save them for days, holding their love deep in my heart.

You can utilize the power of a crayon with your daughter. Buy a box, and put down a big piece of paper on the floor. (Cut open a paper grocery bag if you don’t have large pieces of paper.) Ask your daughter to draw with you. Just doodle. You don’t have to try to be a good artist. Just have fun. You can both scribble lots of color and then color over it with a black crayon. Then use a table knife or something with a good edge, to scrape the black away in places. See what you end up with.

I know. I can hear you groaning, “But Dr. Jenn, my daughter is a teenager, she’ll laugh at me if I ask her to color with me!” Yes, she might. But, she might join you and the two of you can have a moment connecting in a way I bet you haven’t connected in a long time. It’s worth trying, right?

Leave wax crayons in your daughter’s bathroom and let her express herself on her mirror. Write a message on her mirror inviting her to write, draw, doodle on the mirror. Let her mirror become her journal in a way. You can always draw a heart on the mirror, or leave her a short note. Just make sure the mirror becomes a place of love and fun, NOT a place where you leave nagging messages to her. Remember the power of the crayon is about the power of innocence, childhood and love.

Find your own ways to make the power of the crayon work in your relationship with your daughter. Email me how a simple crayon has changed your life. I’m eager to hear. Oh, and don’t forget moms, the power of the crayon can work for you too! Write yourself a wonderful affirmation on your bathroom mirror. Or write your husband a short love note and put it under his pillow. Crayons really are magical. Go find out!
jennifer@drjennforgirls.com

The New Skills for Parenting Teen Girls

Unless you have been (unfortunately) in a coma the last decade, you are aware that there have been huge changes in technology and cultural standards. These changes affect teen girls in ways that many parents do not understand.  The changes make parenting with the “old skills” obsolete.

Parents need to know the new skills for raising healthy, happy, and successful teen girls. They also need to hone the old skills:  listening, and expressing true love and concern.  Our daughters need them more than ever.

1. UNDERSTAND THE TEENAGE BRAIN.

Neuroscience research has revealed the differences between teenage brains and adults brains.

Knowing even a little bit about your daughter’s brain, i.e., what you can do to help her brain grow (and heal)  can have a tremendous difference in how her life turns out.*

2. BE INVOLVED

Your daughter needs your attention and time just as much, or maybe even more, than when she was a little girl. You need to know who she is becoming, what she is doing, who her friends are. Etc. Don’t hover but don’t ignore her either.

3. LEARN THE FOUR L’s

Effective parenting starts with knowing the four L’s. Look, listen, learn and Love.   First, you have to take a look at your daughters behavior. Next, listen to what she really wants you to know underneath her actions and words. You then have to learn what she needs or wants.  Show her you love her by helping take care of her needs and wants.

4. ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE.

John Lennon was onto a profound truth when he wrote the song, All You Need Is Love.  Let your daughter know you love her.  Don’t hold back on hugs, except maybe in front of her friends. Research shows that expressing love can help your daughter grow up into a happier, healthier woman.

5. TEACH BY EXAMPLE

Be a role model . Teens have a hair trigger hypocrite/BS meter. Walk your talk.

6. DO YOUR OWN HEALING WORK

Every parent carries around old wounds. Those wound cloud the way they interact with others, including their children. One of the best gifts you can give your children is to deal with your emotional baggage so it stops spilling out everywhere. There are no perfect parents and we all carry some degree of wounds with us, no matter how much we work on them. But the point is: work on them!

7. SET  FAIR LIMITS AND RULES

Don’t  arbitrarily set rules. Ask your daughter for her input. Most importantly, understand what drives you to make a rule in the first place. If you want an early curfew for your daughter, talk about what your fears are about her staying up late rather than simply focusing on the time factor. Be truthful about what you feel in the process of setting rules and limits. Ask your daughter for her truth.

8. ENCOURAGE AUTONOMY

The teen years are the time for children to begin finding out who they really are. They will try on lots of things! That’s normal. And in today’s world, with Virtual Social Networks such as MySpace and Facebook, teens have an audience to “perform” to in order to get feedback about who they are becoming. Encourage your child to explore who they are and want to be. Don’t force your expectations of who you think your daughter should be. Its’ her life! Step back. Let her explore. If your life isn’t satisfying, it can be easy to turn to your daughter for emotional needs that she can’t fill. Lear to let go, let her have her life, and you shore up your own.

9. KEEP UP!

Today’s world is changing faster than ever. As a mom, you need to know some of the new things. For example, if your daughter came to you in tears because her friend keeps untagging the pictures she posted, would you know what she meant, why she is upset and what to tell her? Teens are forming relationships in ways our generation never dreamed of, and the social interactions are amazingly different. Learn the new technology. Check out the Virtual Social Networks. Keep an ear out for the newest on Youtube,  etc. Learn how to text. Stay as up to date as you possibly can.

10. TRUST

Your daughter is going to make mistakes. Help her learn from them instead of shaming, blaming or punishing. Don’t break into her Facebook, emails, text messages or private journals. Buff up your listening skills. Become someone she trusts enough to tell you who she really is.

11. CREATE A FAMILY MISSION/VISION STATEMENT

What does your family value? What does your family stand for? Write a mission/vision statement and refer to it often. Ask your daughter for input. See what she values and wants your family to be about!

12. PLAY!

“Play is the new Global Warming” announced a recently published article. Play has been taken out of our culture, and that’s not a good thing. Find ways to be silly, spontaneous and playful with your daughter. Make sure she has fun things to play with such as a myriad of art supplies. Find ways to bring back play into your lives and homes.

13. LEARN TO LISTEN TO HARD TRUTHS

Your daughter may do things you disapprove of. Some parents take the ostrich approach and put their heads in the sands. That isn’t helpful. Learning to be someone your daughter can turn to, trust and know that you will always be there for her, will help her as she grows up. This means you must control your anger, disappointment, judgment etc. Learning to ask Strategic Questions, can help you become someone who can hear hard truths.

Today more than ever, your daughter needs to know you are there for her. She is growing up in a world vastly different than the one you grew up in. Learn to listen. Learn to open your heart to your daughter. Let her unfold and find her way, as you gently help her when she makes a miss step. Time doesn’t go backwards. Like it or not, the new world order of things is here and parents need to understand it, and deal with it in ways that does not alienate their daughters.

If you want more information on how to accomplish any of these parenting rules, email me at jennifer@drjennforgirls.com