One company has come up with a way to deal with sexting by allowing parents full access to their teens text and calls. Mobile Nanny allows parents to view their child’s phone useage in real time. One would imagine that if a teen knew their phone was “tapped” they wouldn’t use it for nefarious reasons. Go here for more info about the software.

There are  few problems with such software. First, if you install it without your daughter’s knowledge to catch her in the act, she will feel betrayed. Once such trust is broken, it’s really hard to repair it with a teenager. Second, a smart teen, which most of them are, will simply use a friends phone for their “dirty work,” and avoid your prying eyes. The problem with this scenario is your daughter’s behavior is driven even more underground. Now she can’t tell you about her sexting, or texts that might be upsetting her because she has “lied” to you by using another phone.  It’s hard enough to get our girls to speak their truth when they don’t have as much to hide as a lie on top of a tricky situation. Third, the message using this software sends out to our daughter’s is “I can’t trust you!” Or,”I need to protect you from yourself or someone else.” But think that thought through. I assume you have or will allow your daughter to drive when she turns 16. Car accidents are one of the leading causes of teen death. But you turn the keys over and hope for the best after she has had drivers education.

That is what we need more of: Education. Not the lecturing type done by most parents, but the Compassionate Parenting kind where parents listen to what’s going on in their daughter’s lives and they do their very best to be supportive. We know that teens don’t learn from our lectures. They learn from their own mistakes. If you don’t allow your teen the chance to make a few mistakes, learn and grow, how else will they know how to function as adults?

If you decide to buy the software nanny for your daughter’s cell phone, I hope you at least let her know you are installing it, and you have a talk about safe and respectful use of the phone.

I am holding a free teleseminar in November for all parents who want more information about the use of technology and their teen daughters. It is part of my new lecture series that will eventually be published in book form: Raising Eve: Parenting Teen Girls in the Information Age. ™

Please email me if you are interested in an hour long class via the phone to learn more about sexting, Facebook and the one topic that shocks most moms, Internet porn. I’ll bring you up to speed about all the topics and give you easy takeaways as how to deal with the technology that is creating big problems in our daughter’s lives.

email me at

drjenn@honorthegirl.me

www.honorthegirl.me

I hear conflicting advice about whether I should sneak a peak at my daughter’s texts or Facebook wall?

Dear Private Eye,

It’s normal to want to know what goes on in your daughter’s virtual life. But, before you turn into Robert Langdon and try to crack your daughter’s secret password that allows you access to her virtual world, think upon these things:

1. EVERY teen girl I talk to says that she stopped telling her mother things when she discovered her mom’s snooping. Trust was broken.

2. EVERY teen girl told me they learned to hide their lives better once they found out their moms had access to their messages or inbox on their social networks.

3. EVERY teen girl said that a snoopy mom ruined their relationship for the future. Not one teen girl saw their mother’s actions as loving. They saw it as invasive.

Knowing how strongly girls reacted to their moms sneaking around, do you want to chance ruining the trust of your daughter? Perhaps something will happen that she will want to confide in you, but won’t because you can’t be trusted.

If you have taught your daughter how to use texting respectfully, and you have taught her the dangers about virtual social networks, etc., then allow her her privacy. Keep the conversation open about her virtual life, but don’t break into it going behind her back. 

I have seen the damage done when mom’s jack their daughter’s passwords. It’s not pretty. If you are  worried about your daughter’s virtual life, you need to talk and listen to her. Ask good questions so she will feel free to tell you the truth.

Truth. That is the heart of the matter. Have you built the type of relationship where you daughter trusts you with her truth? Do you judge her or take away her cell phone or ground her for every small infraction? Or, do you believe in her and understand that the teen years are trying for everyone, her most of all?

There is a lot of danger in our young girls lives.  Protect your daughter BEFORE you give her a cell phone by teaching her how to use it properly. No sexting, for example.  Teach her responsible use of the internet. Just like you’ll make sure she knows how to drive before you hand her the keys, right?

Teens will often hide the fact that they are being cyberbullied, so make sure you talk to your daughter about that topic often. Let her know she can tell you ANYTHING. That means you listen and you don’t freak out!

If you feel your daughter’s safety is in danger and the ONLY way to help her is to break into her accounts, then by all means, keep her safe from harm. I’d never advocate turning your back on your daughter’s safety.

It’s a wild world out there. Being the person your daughter can turn to is so important. It takes trust. It takes love. Work on both, please. If I  can be of any help to you in building a relationship with your daughter, let me know.

All best,

Dr. Jenn

When it comes to sexting, a simple cell phone can be dangerous, said Jennifer Austin Leigh, known as Dr. Jenn, who is a life coach for teen girls and their mothers.

A cell phone should not be handed over to a child without instructions and rules, because even the oldest teenagers are not old enough to appreciate its power, she said.

“You just don’t hand the phone over, just like you don’t hand the keys over to the car when they are 16,” she said.

Read the whole article here.